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Main - The Officer's Club - I.... Don't Know What to Think Anymore
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Trelior
Posted on 09-17-17 10:58 AM Link | ID: 101936
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Since: 01-02-12
From: Brookville, PA

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My dad picked me up from work tonight and we sat in the parking spot outside of my apartment and talked for several hours.

We talked our normal shit: politics (how I used to identify with the left, and see the error of my ways), religion (my non-belief against his staunch Christianity), then a huge bombshell: His side of the narritive my mother spun all of my life, especially the shit she made up while I was growing up.

To say the least, I was floored about how he decribed their relationship as they were growing up, how she went off the deep end before they divorced, and what actuall was going on while she swore up and down that he wanted nothing to do with me or my siblings.

Needless to say, a lot of things started making a lot of sense. Too much sense. The mental abuse, the living in absolute squalor, just... Everything.

I want to maintian the good terms I have with my mother; but knowing more of the truth, I don't know what I want to do going forward.

I've lived my life these past few years feeling like an absolute failure. Feeling like everything I ever did was disappointing to both of my parents. Only to have him say directly to me that he never actually felt let down by me, even with all of the butting heads we've done over the years. Come to find out he's actually proud of me.

I've recently been trying to get on disability due to my neurological problems and chronic leg pain. Come to find out that he would have mentioned it to me about trying years ago, but he didn't out of my bullish pride and to try to not be defeatist about my predicament. Granted, in hindsight, it's foolish: on both of our parts. Yet, I can't be mad at him.

Lately, I've struggled with some inner demons, a lot of anger from pent-up feelings. Potentially depression. I now understand and can place some of my anger.

I admit, I don't post here a lot, and when I do, it's usually novellas like this; or short, angry outbursts all over the place.

I don't know what to think right now, my mind is whizzing and it's all so conflicting.

I don't even know if this post made any sense, but I'm posting it any.

* Trelior braces for the worst.


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Robbie Rage
Posted on 09-17-17 06:56 PM (rev. 2 of 09-17-17 06:57 PM by Robbie Rage) Link | ID: 101965

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Since: 11-22-16
From: New Jersey, USA
Status: Not even mad.
Since: 2001

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Your post makes perfect sense to me. There's obviously a lot going on, but one thing you mentioned that jumps out at me above all else: your dad is proud of you. I may not know everything, but I do know the power that hearing those words can have, and it sounds like you believe them. That's huge enough, and I think that's worth acknowledging.

Second, I suggest giving yourself permission to process it all. Specifics aside, it sounds like you both got a direct dose of each other's paradoxical, messy humanity and the effect it's had on your family over the years. Realizing your parents aren't monsters or robots and are actually imperfect humans who (generally) do the best they can is another shock I know a lot about, and can take time to work through. Don't be afraid to take that time. It is absolutely worth it.

Just from this abridged summary you posted, I get the sense that your dad genuinely loves you, in spite of any shortcomings which are all too human anyway. No matter what else, you can still hang on to that reality. As for everything else, taking the time to process and grieve whatever you need will usually yield results. Plus, any number of counseling services and the like are available to take you the rest of the way.

You're on the right track. Don't give up.

ゼンガー・ゾンボルト
Posted on 09-17-17 07:32 PM Link | ID: 101976

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Since: 01-04-12
From: Sweden

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Posted by Trelior
Text

I don't even know if this post made any sense, but I'm posting it any.

* Trelior braces for the worst.


Oh, it made perfect sense.

Regarding the things your mother have said that wasn't true...don't dwell on it too much. It's in the past and you should look forward now that you know the truth. You can use the confidence your dad has in you as fuel.

I'm writing this while reading what Robbie said. Process it all you like, take the time necessary to deal with it but don't hang up on it. Nothing good can come from that. You also have to accept the truth sooner or later.

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