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Main - The Officer's Club - Non-existant love life + Garbage social skills = (◞‸◟;) . [UPDATED 6/4/18]
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Decoy Blimp
Posted on 01-14-18 03:32 AM (rev. 2 of 01-14-18 03:36 AM by Decoy Blimp) Link | ID: 122316
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My case is kinda specific and no online video is helping me at all. Most of the people on this board are older than me so I'm hoping yall' can help me out on this one.

Ever since high school I've beaten myself up for not seeming to be able to get a girlfriend/date. In middle school my awkwardness made some sense I suppose (even though a lot of my friends were much more romantically successful than I've ever been), but then in high school it got worse.

In high school I've always tried really hard to get a girl because I honestly felt like there was something wrong with me. Most of my friends have gotten dates and stuff, what am I doing wrong? Why am I so abhorrent to girls? Ultimately the conclusion I came to was that I have a hard time because I lack social skills. Me being on the autism spectrum, this is understandable, but damn if it doesn't suck.

Doesn't help that the people that were in relationships during high school showed off constantly and made me feel like horrible person every time I say them hugging or eating face in public.

My personality and behavior is always very extra, and no one in my life has bothered to hide that fact, especially now. One of my close friends in particular likes to point it out a lot and it makes me feel like shit most of the time. One of my major goals for the year is to improve my social skills, and so far I've been doing... okay-ish? I dunno, we're only two weeks into the new year so I shouldn't be beating myself up, but it still sucks.

Any romantic interactions I've had were either random chance or desperate acts I now regret. On the chance side of things, my first kiss happened last year when I was 16. On a school trip, some friends and I were hanging out in a field by ourselves and there was some truth or dare as well as a kissing game. I got kissed three times (two were from guys, apparently guys like me).

As far as desperation, two things happened:

1. Over the summer between Freshman and Sophomore year, I technically had a """""girlfriend,""""" but the girl happened to be a close female friend of mine at the time who had casually mentioned a few times in the past that she would be willing to date me, so one day I just decided to use that to my advantage and we had a "thing" over the summer... except that we didn't see each other the entire summer. I was busy with summer school that summer because I fucked up Geometry, so we sent each other flirtatious texts and stuff, but that was about it. Eventually the passion fizzled away and we ended things mutually.

2. I really don't feel like explaining the extremely complicated story behind this, but to cut straight to the point, I made out with a guy who I wasn't and still am not interested in last month. For reasons I'm not gonna get into, he offered a hookup (just making out), and given that I was extremely desperate at the time I did it because I felt like I had to. I... hated it, to say the least. It was weird, uncomfortable, and honestly kinda gross.

I can't even use the fact that I moved across the country and started my life over to my advantage because I fucked that up too. Because I was desperate, I openly expressed interest in three different people in a really short span of time which wasn't the best impression, and since the school is small, it's gonna be hard for me to have any luck.

So here I am; biggest virgin on the planet with little hope of finding any kind of love until after high school (at least I hope so).

I only really have two chances of finding love at this point, and only one of them could be achieved in the near future. There is a girl I like, and she's not a super popular girl and if anything she doesn't talk very much, so my chances might be better, I dunno. I'm not gonna jump to dating because I tend to go a little too fast, but the plan is to talk to her more and more over time and eventually ask her to prom. Hopefully that works out, I dunno, but I'm going in with high hopes and low expectations.

The other chance I have is going off to college and starting my life on my own. I can always sign up on a dating website like okcupid by then so finding a date shouldn't be too difficult, especially when it's not people in a school environment who may or may not have heard rumors about me.

Honestly I wish I could just shirk these desires and focus on shit that matters instead. I have developed self love (mostly) so that helps my chances for sure, but honestly I dunno anymore. I've given up on love multiple times in 2017 only to get stupidly optimistic again and I feel like I'm just setting myself up for disappointment (at least in the near future).

So yeah, end braindump. Would love some advice on this.

EDIT: Forgot to mention this: Lack of love life and feeling like I have no worth because I've never had a real girlfriend was a big part of the reason I had a borderline suicidal phase last October. Felt like that was relevant.

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Nicolyn
Posted on 01-14-18 02:01 PM Link | ID: 122322
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So, my situation isn't exactly comparable, but I can try to give some advice... I never dated anyone or had any romantic interactions until I was 22, after I graduated college... and yet, after that I've had quite a few, and am coming off what was a long fulfilling relationship (that did end due to mutual incompatibility, but was fun while it lasted)...

What I find is you need to find the right social circles that you fit into and can meet people you're compatible with, and high school isn't that for everyone. The most important thing is not to beat yourself up over it, try to expand your social circles if you can, and if you can't, try not to let it impact your self-worth. Sometimes things come along completely by surprise (it certainly did in my case).
Posted by Sammy
I only really have two chances of finding love at this point, and only one of them could be achieved in the near future. There is a girl I like, and she's not a super popular girl and if anything she doesn't talk very much, so my chances might be better, I dunno. I'm not gonna jump to dating because I tend to go a little too fast, but the plan is to talk to her more and more over time and eventually ask her to prom. Hopefully that works out, I dunno, but I'm going in with high hopes and low expectations.

This doesn't sound like a bad plan, but I guess the question here is, are you only interested in being friends with this girl because you hope to date her? Because that isn't cool; but if you think she's a fun person that you want to be friends with, and also have hopes for more at the same time (like you describe your last, fizzled-out relationship) that's fine I think, and not a bad idea.

I'd also recommend checking out okcupid or other online dating sites even now; not to guarantee anything of course (I'm well aware of the online dating gender ratio) but many people these days are open to long-distance relationships, and if nothing else it'd give you more practice talking to people of the opposite sex.
Posted by Sammy
EDIT: Forgot to mention this: Lack of love life and feeling like I have no worth because I've never had a real girlfriend was a big part of the reason I had a borderline suicidal phase last October. Felt like that was relevant.
That's very rough... I think it's important to remember that you're in high school, most high school relationships never lead to anything, and the whole point of having relationships is because you find them enjoyable; they're not something you should feel terrible about not having.


Thieppy
Posted on 01-14-18 02:04 PM Link | ID: 122323


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I'm speaking as I read, so sorry if what I say is irrelevant.

you need to stop giving in to peer pressure. I mean, it's normal to want a girlfriend, but you don't need a girlfriend just because other people have one.

"tried hard to get a girl".. sounds like this might ruin your rep if you were earnestly trying. also trying too hard would do the opposite and drive girls away, so it's not just that girls somehow don't like you.

people liking you for your social skills alone challenges the whole meaning of liking. don't fret over it so much, it will only make things worse.

Posted by Sammy
Doesn't help that the people that were in relationships during high school showed off constantly and made me feel like horrible person every time I say them hugging or eating face in public.

oh come on, they're the ones being inconsiderate.

also, >showing off relationships.
usually those relationships are not-so-geniune.


this is just my opinion but you should stop feeling bad about your personality. you seem sharp and just fine to me.

'improving your social skills' is not an easy task, but there's more ways than one to go about this. you chose to get advice online, which is good. we can give you support and advice over the course of your life. as long as you keep us updated, we can help you out.

1. the whole flirt-over-a-long-distance thing only works when you have an actual connection with the person.. otherwise it feels empty.

2. well of course that would feel gross. the circumstances were bad and you weren't into the guy at all, or into any guys for that matter. I'm pretty sure you were having a bad time due to stress, and not anywhere near mentally ready for this.

well yeah, moving won't solve things because you can't force a change and the damage was done; you were desperate. to the new people you met, you probably somewhat imposed yourself on them, and that's not how you start a relationship.


before aiming for romantic love, you should try to aim for a stable environment. having friends who understand you and have your back can relieve your stress and have a nice time with you.
I get the feel you need to take some time to relax a bit, if things have been moving too fast for you lately.


now, if you truly like that girl then you need to try to get to know her gradually. if she's not the type to talk a lot, she probably gets to know people slowly.. can't just assume her personality, though. I suggest you go for it.

starting life on your own means some more stress. you should do so when you have a stable environment and state of mind. dating websites may not be right for you, but feel free to try it out if real life fails you.

Posted by Sammy
Honestly I wish I could just shirk these desires and focus on shit that matters instead.

well you can't. and also, it is stuff that matters.

to be honest it feels like you're going about love the wrong way; blame peer pressure and the bullshit "need for a girlfriend" for that.
now, you probably want a soulmate yourself because of the loneliness and that's understandable, but it's definitely society that started your problem.

Posted by Sammy
So yeah, end braindump. Would love some advice on this.

oh.. you wanted love advice? I'm not exactly a pro at love. @_@

Posted by Sammy
EDIT: Forgot to mention this: Lack of love life and feeling like I have no worth because I've never had a real girlfriend was a big part of the reason I had a borderline suicidal phase last October. Felt like that was relevant.

that's rough. you do have worth, and that is relevant.


to sum it up, you need to stand for yourself and stop falling for peer pressure telling you how to live your life.. though it's probably too late if you, yourself, feel the need for a soulmate.

either way, you'll have to go at it slow so you shouldn't worry as much. love doesn't just stop being a thing at some point in life, so rushing is pointless. you're not the only person in the world without a partner, be it because they're unable to get one or because they're uninterested.



I hope that post wasn't too much of a mess, I was reading yours while typing.

Decoy Blimp
Posted on 01-14-18 02:54 PM (rev. 2 of 01-14-18 02:54 PM by Decoy Blimp) Link | ID: 122325
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What I find is you need to find the right social circles that you fit into and can meet people you're compatible with, and high school isn't that for everyone. The most important thing is not to beat yourself up over it, try to expand your social circles if you can, and if you can't, try not to let it impact your self-worth.


Yeah high school really won't work for that I think. My school only has ~360 students and most of the girls here (except for the one I mentioned before) are completely off the table. It's also a boarding school at that, so I can't really meet people outside of school at the moment.

It doesn't impact my self-worth NEARLY as much as it used to, but it still gets to me.


are you only interested in being friends with this girl because you hope to date her? Because that isn't cool


Oh hell no. A girlfriend is something I'd really like, but I'm not gonna be a dick about it. I've been accused of being part of the "gentleman/nice guy" stereotype before and that's the last thing I wan't people to see me as. Plus it's become blatantly obvious that that technique doesn't work unless both parties suffer from extreme self-esteem issues.


I'd also recommend checking out okcupid or other online dating sites even now; not to guarantee anything of course (I'm well aware of the online dating gender ratio) but many people these days are open to long-distance relationships, and if nothing else it'd give you more practice talking to people of the opposite sex.


This won't work for now. My parents are highly over protective and if they found out I'd be DEAD. I've dealt with their over-protectiveness for years though, so I don't mind waiting until I get out of high school. Not too long until then.


That's pretty rough... I think it's important to remember that you're in high school, most high school relationships never lead to anything, and the whole point of having relationships is because you find them enjoyable; they're not something you should feel terrible about not having.


I'm not necessarily looking for a soulmate or anything, but a relationship would be nice, even if it doesn't las a super long time. I can't help but not feel terrible about not being in one because a bunch of my friends are in them and literally everywhere I look, society looks down upon people like me: nerds, virigns, anime fans, etc. Guess this is what I get for growing up behind a computer. On top of that, the people who ARE in relationships have (what I think is) a shit attitude when it comes to relationships. The common response from those people I get when I talk about this stuff is "Don't worry, relationships aren't that great anyway," which I ALWAYS call bullshit on. If they're not great why the fuck are you in one in the first place? Seems like these people just take that for granted while the rest of us long for what they have.

Also before I keep going I should clarify something: When I was feeling kinda suicidal (and by kinda suicidal I mean strongly adopting the "If I killed myself no one would care" mentality and feeling like shit on a regular basis) it wasn't solely because I've never been in a real relationship, but the fact that I haven't was contributing to a much larger problem; Feeling like I'm hideous and abnormal, that I don't deserve love or care and that I have no self-worth because of the things I chose to be interested in (anime, computers, other nerd shit).


you need to stop giving in to peer pressure. I mean, it's normal to want a girlfriend, but you don't need a girlfriend just because other people have one.


Yeah a little too late for that now lmao. Kinda stuck in a rut I can't get out of when it comes to this. I don't want one because other people have them, though the influence they put on me by looking hella cute in public and all that makes me want it more because it looks so great. I dunno, I only had a taste of what a real relationship is like and I'd AT LEAST like to have on to know for myself if it's worth it or not.


oh come on, they're the ones being inconsiderate.


That's what I was saying.


this is just my opinion but you should stop feeling bad about your personality. you seem sharp and just fine to me.


Well, you don't know me very well, especially how I behave in real life, so I kinda have to take that with a grain of salt (no offense or anything). I'm in the most stable environment I've ever been in, and if people still seem to be put off by my extra-ness (not to the point of disliking me of course, people still think I'm a good kid and all that) then I think that's something I need to change. I hate having to dumb myself down because other people "can't handle it" I guess but I don't really have any other options if I want to fit in well with society. I'm already doing that with messaging; dumbing down my grammar, using more emojis, etc.


'improving your social skills' is not an easy task, but there's more ways than one to go about this. you chose to get advice online, which is good. we can give you support and advice over the course of your life. as long as you keep us updated, we can help you out.


I know it's not easy, but I'm willing to work at it. I'll gladly update you guys as long as you keep listening.


1. the whole flirt-over-a-long-distance thing only works when you have an actual connection with the person.. otherwise it feels empty.


In my case it did.


2. well of course that would feel gross. the circumstances were bad and you weren't into the guy at all, or into any guys for that matter. I'm pretty sure you were having a bad time due to stress, and not anywhere near mentally ready for this.


Yep you kinda hit the nail on the head there.


moving won't solve things because you can't force a change and the damage was done; you were desperate. to the new people you met, you probably somewhat imposed yourself on them, and that's not how you start a relationship. moving won't solve things because you can't force a change and the damage was done; you were desperate. to the new people you met, you probably somewhat imposed yourself on them, and that's not how you start a relationship.


I thought it would help because I could "reinvent myself" and whatnot, which I did to a degree, but yeah the desperation was still there.


before aiming for romantic love, you should try to aim for a stable environment. having friends who understand you and have your back can relieve your stress and have a nice time with you.
I get the feel you need to take some time to relax a bit, if things have been moving too fast for you lately.


I'm actually in a VERY stable environment now. Due to issues I could spend hours explaining but for the purposes of this thread I won't, I had come out of my last school feeling empty and hopeless in life, and the people at my new school were there for me when I needed them and I got over my year long depressive slump that was killing me more and more as time went on. I'm extremely grateful to them for basically giving me my life back. What do you mean by "take some time to relax" exactly? My schedule is hella busy since I go to a college prep school so that isn't really an option for me.


now, if you truly like that girl then you need to try to get to know her gradually. if she's not the type to talk a lot, she probably gets to know people slowly.. can't just assume her personality, though. I suggest you go for it.


Yep, taking it slow is the plan.


well you can't. and also, it is stuff that matters.


Does it REALLY matter though? I mean, admittedly a lot of this is years of peer pressure getting to me, and since a romantic relationship is technically not something I need, does it really matter?


to be honest it feels like you're going about love the wrong way; blame peer pressure and the bullshit "need for a girlfriend" for that.
now, you probably want a soulmate yourself because of the loneliness and that's understandable, but it's definitely society that started your problem.


Pretty much. Sucks being special right?


to sum it up, you need to stand for yourself and stop falling for peer pressure telling you how to live your life.. though it's probably too late if you, yourself, feel the need for a soulmate.



I don't necessarily want a soulmate, but yeah it is kinda too late to reverse the peer pressure because I've been feeling it pretty hardcore for the last five years of my life.


either way, you'll have to go at it slow so you shouldn't worry as much. love doesn't just stop being a thing at some point in life, so rushing is pointless. you're not the only person in the world without a partner, be it because they're unable to get one or because they're uninterested.


I could definitely stand to take it slow, but I'm speeding up at this point because of the "seriously, by now I should be this" thing.

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Nicolyn
Posted on 01-14-18 03:12 PM Link | ID: 122326
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Posted by Sammy
I'm not necessarily looking for a soulmate or anything, but a relationship would be nice, even if it doesn't las a super long time. I can't help but not feel terrible about not being in one because a bunch of my friends are in them and literally everywhere I look, society looks down upon people like me: nerds, virigns, anime fans, etc. Guess this is what I get for growing up behind a computer.

Story of my life lol-- there's a reason I spent all my "formative years" on Acmlm's and such >_>

This is one of the key cases where I think high school distorts your perceptions... there are lots of nerds, anime fans, etc. out there, but it's hard to find opportunities to meet them in real life until you have a bit more freedom. For example, my friend Sofi and I both grew up in the Boston suburbs, but never were able to meet up until I was out of college. (Yes, I strongly sympathize with the overprotective parent thing...)
Posted by Sammy
On top of that, the people who ARE in relationships have (what I think is) a shit attitude when it comes to relationships. The common response from those people I get when I talk about this stuff is "Don't worry, relationships aren't that great anyway," which I ALWAYS call bullshit on. If they're not great why the fuck are you in one in the first place? Seems like these people just take that for granted while the rest of us long for what they have.

I think, a good relationship is indeed something you can't take for granted, it's so rare to have that sort of real connection with someone, that you can really say you're willing to spend your life with them.

But many, maybe even most relationships aren't that! They're people who aren't really compatible, who are just doing it for social status, because they want to have sex, out of desperation to not be single, or whatever other reason. They have their ups, but they also have their downs, and often when they end it makes everyone involved miserable. So remember that; in my book, it's much better to be single than in a bad relationship.


Epele
Posted on 01-14-18 06:54 PM Link | ID: 122341
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I've seen the bad side of what happens from bad relationships.

Don't rush a relationship, else you could more than regret it. Take it slow, maybe even somewhat casually.

As Nicole says, better single than a bad relationship.


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Decoy Blimp
Posted on 01-14-18 07:49 PM Link | ID: 122375
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This is one of the key cases where I think high school distorts your perceptions... there are lots of nerds, anime fans, etc. out there, but it's hard to find opportunities to meet them in real life until you have a bit more freedom.


Yeah, probably. Sucks that I'm kinda limited now though lol.


I think, a good relationship is indeed something you can't take for granted, it's so rare to have that sort of real connection with someone, that you can really say you're willing to spend your life with them.

But many, maybe even most relationships aren't that! They're people who aren't really compatible, who are just doing it for social status, because they want to have sex, out of desperation to not be single, or whatever other reason. They have their ups, but they also have their downs, and often when they end it makes everyone involved miserable.


That definitely speaks to one of my friends who's made the claim that relationships "aren't that great," and probably the same for everyone I've seen who shows off constantly.


it's much better to be single than in a bad relationship.


Being single sucks (at least it does for me at them moment, and it especially will one month from today), but I do have to agree with this.

I forgot to mention this in the first post, but there's another thing I'm worried about: Since I lack experience, won't that put off more experienced partners later in life? I'll just be an awkward mess.

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Robbie Rage
Posted on 01-14-18 09:34 PM Link | ID: 122412

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The more I read through your post, the more relatable it seems. I went through a very similar set of feelings, circumstances, misadventures and struggles to what you're describing. Between my life experience and professional work there's a lot I could say about all this, but for now I'll keep it to a few points that jump out:

Posted by Sammy
Doesn't help that the people that were in relationships during high school showed off constantly and made me feel like horrible person every time I say them hugging or eating face in public.


Want to know a secret about high school? It's all one big illusion.

Experts in human development note that a social need to belong, find your identity, and "fit in" are especially strong during this period of life. This is why you'll see things like showing off one's dating life, why it seems like so many people are doing better than you, or when you hear things like "relationships aren't that great". It's because (despite how it may seem sometimes), they're all still trying to figure things about themselves, others, and the world. Some just to a better job at masking that confusion than others.

Put another way: There's a reason high school romances don't last. Everyone involved is very much a work in progress.

Posted by Sammy
My personality and behavior is always very extra, and no one in my life has bothered to hide that fact, especially now.


I've never heard this expression before. What exactly do you mean by this?

Posted by Sammy
Any romantic interactions I've had were either random chance or desperate acts I now regret. On the chance side of things, my first kiss happened last year when I was 16.


I didn't get my first kiss until I was 20. I have no problem admitting that because of life secret #2: There is no normal rate for this kind of thing, it only seems that way because of the bizzaroland that is high school.

Besides, it seems like you already learned that desperation is the enemy. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them like the human that you are, and you'll be just fine.

Posted by Sammy
So here I am; biggest virgin on the planet with little hope of finding any kind of love until after high school (at least I hope so).


Like you, I also went to a relatively small school in a small town, so everyone knew each other and there wasn't a lot of dating within my class. When I left for college, my social life changed dramatically. Sure, I wasn't getting laid like crazy or anything like that, but I did end up going on more dates (AKA any dates at all) and learning more about myself, women, and what I really want (and what I don't want).

Sure, dating sites are always an option, but you may be surprised what you find when you take a chance and put yourself out there. While it does suck to risk getting rejected, it definitely helps when you go in ready to look at yourself and others with a healthy and realistic lens. For what it's worth, it sounds like you're seriously working on doing just that. Keep it up!

Decoy Blimp
Posted on 01-14-18 11:25 PM Link | ID: 122457
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Want to know a secret about high school? It's all one big illusion.

Experts in human development note that a social need to belong, find your identity, and "fit in" are especially strong during this period of life. This is why you'll see things like showing off one's dating life, why it seems like so many people are doing better than you, or when you hear things like "relationships aren't that great". It's because (despite how it may seem sometimes), they're all still trying to figure things about themselves, others, and the world. Some just to a better job at masking that confusion than others.

Put another way: There's a reason high school romances don't last. Everyone involved is very much a work in progress.


Yeah, that's definitely true. I should really remind myself of that more often. It still hurts to see people do this stuff, but I still know they're confused.


I've never heard this expression before. What exactly do you mean by this?


Over-the-top gesturing, making jokes at bad times, nonsensical humor, etc. I kind of have a big personality I guess, calling it "extra" is the best way I can describe it.


I didn't get my first kiss until I was 20. I have no problem admitting that because of life secret #2: There is no normal rate for this kind of thing, it only seems that way because of the bizzaroland that is high school.


I'm sure that some of that idea can stem outside of high school too, but yeah you're definitely right about that. Sucks to be the odd kid out though.


Besides, it seems like you already learned that desperation is the enemy. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them like the human that you are, and you'll be just fine.


At this point I can't be phased by making mistakes in just about any context because I know I can just pick myself up and keep going. That's been one of the added benefits of my community making me feel like I have my life back.


Like you, I also went to a relatively small school in a small town, so everyone knew each other and there wasn't a lot of dating within my class. When I left for college, my social life changed dramatically. Sure, I wasn't getting laid like crazy or anything like that, but I did end up going on more dates (AKA any dates at all) and learning more about myself, women, and what I really want (and what I don't want).


I'm kind of looking forward to College for that very reason. I've also kinda established what I want and don't want, at least for now. I chose to think that nothing is certain so I'm sure things will change, but I'm much more self aware about this these things apparently.


Sure, dating sites are always an option, but you may be surprised what you find when you take a chance and put yourself out there.


What do you mean?


While it does suck to risk getting rejected, it definitely helps when you go in ready to look at yourself and others with a healthy and realistic lens. For what it's worth, it sounds like you're seriously working on doing just that.


I tend to put myself at risk of getting rejected a lot so I'm used to it. And yea I do try to be realistic about things, clearly no one else will lmao.

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Robbie Rage
Posted on 01-15-18 02:58 AM Link | ID: 122550

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Posted by Sammy
What do you mean?


I'm specifically talking about the reactions you might get when tossing your inhibitions aside and asking someone out offline. Unless you find yourself lacking some serious time to socialize with others for whatever reason, you might find that dating site are unnecessary when it comes to meeting people in general.

Assuming you are going to college, try looking for clubs and such that follow your interests while you're there. Even if it's not to meet women specifically, you still stand a chance to meet some great people, and that's never a bad thing. Also...

Posted by Sammy
And yea I do try to be realistic about things, clearly no one else will lmao.


This is part two of what I'm talking about. While a great deal of people may hold unrealistic views and just may not "click" with you, you might be surprised how many people you meet may share your very most fundamental views about the world and your values in general. Experts say that these are the people that have the most satisfying relationships, and this is what I personally consider a "soul mate" to be.

While I cannot guarantee any specific outcome for you personally or anyone else, I am living proof that it IS possible to meet such a person. Dare to believe.

Decoy Blimp
Posted on 01-15-18 03:09 AM Link | ID: 122557
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I'm specifically talking about the reactions you might get when tossing your inhibitions aside and asking someone out offline. Unless you find yourself lacking some serious time to socialize with others for whatever reason, you might find that dating site are unnecessary when it comes to meeting people in general.


I've always been part of small schools, so after a certain matter of time I've pretty much met everyone. That's why I would use a dating site in the first place. On top of that, there's a bit less judgement on there (or so it would seem) since again, any individual I ask out hasn't heard rumors about me from other people and therefore has no outside influence.


Assuming you are going to college, try looking for clubs and such that follow your interests while you're there. Even if it's not to meet women specifically, you still stand a chance to meet some great people, and that's never a bad thing.


Never been much of a club person just out of laziness, but if there's a club for EDM or just music appreciation in general I'm joining that shit so fast lol. I'll use other means to meet women specifically (again, online dating).


While a great deal of people may hold unrealistic views and just may not "click" with you, you might be surprised how many people you meet may share your very most fundamental views about the world and your values in general. Experts say that these are the people that have the most satisfying relationships, and this is what I personally consider a "soul mate" to be.


Oh yeah that's definitely true. I've experienced that with my closest friend so I definitely know the feeling.

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Decoy Blimp
Posted on 06-05-18 03:09 AM Link | ID: 133428
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Okay, so I thought I might as well give an update here as I've had another romantic mishap that's resulted in things being really sour.

So since my last post in this thread, I've gained a lot of confidence in myself; I've worked through a lot of my personal turmoil, gained a lot of friends, and in general I just feel much more comfortable being myself. Something unexpected happened that was a big mistake on my part and kind of fucked up a few things, though I haven't undone any of the progress I've made to better myself, which is good.

It all started about two weeks ago. I had just given a speech in front of my entire school (which isn't as daunting as it might sound since the school is rather small, albeit it still wasn't easy) talking about my experience moving across the country, dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide and how thankful I am to the school community for helping me through it, all the while cracking a ton of great jokes that kept people entertained but not distracted from the topics at hand. People loved it and I got a standing ovation, it was probably one of the most badass things I've ever done. That was kind of a turning point in terms of me being confident in myself and it really started to show when a girl I didn't know super well essentially confessed her feelings for me a few days later.

I initially told her no because I had heard from a lot of people that she's very insecure and shuts people out when they try to compliment her, but my thought process at the time was "Well hey, maybe it'll be better this time. I'll never know until I try." So I just kinda dived into being a thing with this person not really thinking about it. It only lasted about four days since it didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't gonna work out. She's much worse than I had initially thought she was in terms of insecurities and such and I felt it best to air to the side of caution and end the romantic aspect. I feel bad for hurting her feelings, but I'm not beating myself up over it because I knew going in that there would probably be a few road bumps and that I would inevitably make mistakes.

We started talking a bit less since it was a bit awkward and I became busy looking for a summer job and volunteer work since school had gotten out for me by then. I texted her just this evening to say hi and the conversation got dark quickly.

Me: Heya
Her: Well hello my favorite person
Me: That's quite the title
Her: Yeah I was being sarcastic because you broke my heart
Her: Ha
Her: Fuck
Her: Dude its just a joke

And from there it only got worse as you could probably imagine.

So from what I can surmise from this situation, I need to not enter relationships without thinking or with people who are insecure because then this shit happens. I genuinely feel bad because I know I goofed up and nothing I try to tell her to try and get her to feel better helps because she just keeps shutting me down, but at the same time I'm just tired of trying. She just will not listen and its not my responsibility to try and help her. I'm probably more zen about this situation than I should be but I'm not really all that worried about this. Is that bad?

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Thieppy
Posted on 06-05-18 04:29 AM Link | ID: 133429


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at least you tried. I feel she'd resented you either way if you just said no. you're not much worse off and it doesn't seem like it went too bad.

you put up some effort out of consideration, and there's nothing wrong with that. if she won't listen anymore, that's where the story ends.


don't let her guilt-trip you if you do keep contact. it's her right to be bitter about it, and it's your right not to care.

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