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Main - The Officer's Club - Some stuff's been bothering me
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AtomicAstro
Posted on 07-10-18 08:12 PM Link | ID: 135338

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Alright, so before I say anything at all I'd just like to preface this post with this: I have tried, usually to little avail, many many times to type all of this out. I rarely ever discuss personal matters online, especially now, for a variety of reasons. The primary reasons are that, since in the past I was kind of a shit who complained a lot, I'm scared that if I talk about things like this I'm just being a bitch. Another reason is that I have never really considered articulating myself my strongest suit, so even if I do have some legitimate problems I need to talk about I will probably say it wrong. There are some other reasons too, but I doubt anyone really gives a shit, I'm guessing if you're reading this you're probably only doing so out of morbid curiosity if anything. The only reason I said any of that at all is to say this: for those reasons, I can not promise that this will be worth a read at all, but I need to get all this out there somewhere. With that out of the way, here's what's been bothering me.

I have not really gotten much enjoyment out of life for a long time. I can not really think of one single conclusive reason as to why this is, however I have come to the conclusion that it may have something to do with my social life and openness to people and the world around me. (or, I suppose in this case, my lack thereof) I have not felt as though I am able to really comfortably open myself up to the world around me.

I came across something fairly recently. It was an old profile of mine on another acmlmboard from around 2012. (I was about 10 or so years old) I will not say the name of the board or profile, as that's been probably one of my biggest skeletons in the closet for years. The only reason I even mention it at all is because I stumbled across something in particular within this profile that was absolutely depressing. No, it was not the fact that I said stupid nonsense on the internet when I was 10. (although that certainly didn't help) What really depressed me was a particular thread I made. I had created a thread in which I was ranting about various school-related things. To be honest the only thing from back then I really had any right to complain about was probably my terrible relationship with the students around me, but that was mostly due to me being socially inept and kind of an asshole anyway so it was my own fault. Most of the kids hated and made fun of me, and they were mostly in the right to do so. I had zero ability to think of anyone but myself, I was annoying and tried way too hard to be liked by people, when people didn't like me I thought they were wrong and not me, hell if I met my 10 year old self I'd wanna bully the shit out of him. But to get back on track, what really depressed me were the replies. The replies were all things like "try and connect with like minded people", "try and open yourself up more", "try and make friends", "try and find things you enjoy, make the best of your life" and the more I read it the more I realized that 6 years later I still fail to follow all of that advice. It's even more depressing when I had read my own response, thanking them for the advice and promising to use it.

I'm not sure why exactly I've been so unable to open up to anyone or anything, but if I had to say I can potentially think of a few reasons. For one thing, I had previously mentioned my terrible relationship with my peers. Not every bit of trouble I had in that regard was my own fault. While a great deal of it was my own fault, that's not to say I've never dealt with my fair share of assholes. (or I guess, bigger assholes than myself) There was plenty of the small shit that a lot of kids deal with. I was a pretty out of touch person in a lot of ways, for example in my taste in video games. My parents didn't really have money to invest in game consoles (except a DSi I managed to get one Christmas, which I played to death) so most games I played were on some emulators my dad set up on my laptop. (which I also used to death despite it being technically older than me and really shitty) None of the kids I met knew what the fuck I was talking about when I tried to talk about these games to them, so they all just laughed at me.

This out of touch behavior had landed me in some deep shit sometimes the more I think about it though. I was, for whatever reason, extremely desensitized to a lot of things. I had been fascinated with violent and repugnant media from a young age, mostly because my parents shunned it heavily and were very insistent on me not being improper or vulgar. When I had opportunities to view it on the internet on sites like Newgrounds, and I had found some of my dad's favorite metal bands in an mp3 player of his, I thought it was all badass as fuck. Sometimes I'd talk about very violent or disturbing subjects, thinking they weren't as big a deal to them since they weren't a big deal to me. I also casually used a lot of swear words and in general I acted in real life like an edgy deviantart kid does on the internet. Some kids were absolutely horrified, some even going so far as to tell on me and getting me in trouble. I even remember one particular time where I had made a little storybook in my spare time that I had asked the teacher for permission to share to the class. It was about a motorcycle race, and one of the pages had a drawing I made of a guy in a motorcycle accident whose body was cut in half with his blood and entrails spilling everywhere. I still don't really think the violence thing was too weird, is it really that weird for kids to think weapons and violence are cool? Anyway, there were plenty of small things like that, and with me being an emotional little bitch baby (ironic considering the giant paragraph I wrote of me being desensitized) it made me feel really bad. But those small things aren't what I think is the main contributor here, just sort of additional buildup in combination with the big things.

The biggest incident in regards to interpersonal shit I can really think of is one that happened to me all throughout middle school. I had managed to have a genuinely good group of friends, since I was placed into a class called Curriculum Assistance. (it's basically special ed if you're not disabled and you're just dumb and shit at life) I had managed to befriend a few like minded people. That friend group was probably the only reason I can really happily remember middle school, since a lot of other things about that time completely blew, like what I am about to talk about. So one person within this group had gotten a girlfriend, and this was also someone within my CA class, so I had been fairly well acquainted with her. This was all fine and good, she was a bit annoying but with me being as socially inept as I am I of all people should be able to understand a little social ineptitude. But then things started to get a bit shitty. It was fairly minor at first, like her getting upset at even the most minor things. It was annoying, but somewhat understandable I guess since everyone's kind of an asshole in middle school, and some kids, especially girls since females tend to be more driven by emotions, can very easily be upset from what people say or do to them. But then she started doing some actually genuinely terrible shit. She frequently treated my friend like shit, frequently demonized my entire friend circle and was extremely possessive. She outright physically abused him by hitting him, and whenever she so chose she could call any one of my friend group down to the guidance counselor and we'd be seen as the bad guys if we even attempted to call her out on her horse shit. None of the adults could really do jack shit in helping the situation, since nobody could even really call her out, and her counselors all acted as nothing more than enablers.

I guess it just goes to show that it doesn't matter how big of a piece of shit you are, somebody out there will defend you if you play your cards right, your shitty traits will be "Just part of your personality", and you will be free to be shitty as much as you damn well please. So because nobody could stop it, the situation was mostly left in the hands of a bunch of middle school kids, and boy did that go well. Because of how I and everyone around me handled this whole thing it's also left me with a bit of guilt actually. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely do not feel bad for her. Regardless of what happened, the relationship did at least end up splitting off. Supposedly she hasn't changed according to someone I know who still goes to school with her, and she now spends her days with a group of drama queens crying in the cafeteria. Serves the bitch right if you ask me. But, with that being said, the tactics I used against her were extremely underhanded, and I honestly feel like had I approached the situation a little differently maybe she didn't have to turn out so shitty. Maybe she could've been helped. I and everyone else were extremely aggressive toward her. We often attempted to turn people against her by telling her friends as much dirt as possible, as well as telling the friend she was dating. I in particular served an important role in this.

For whatever reason she really liked me. She saw me as unlike the other people in my group for some reason. She developed a creepy infatuation with me to the point of posting online on various occasions about how "[my name]-senpai noticed me today :3" (which is technically incorrect use of the honorific, as we were in the same grade) She posted to her deviantart page drawings of us together, listed me under her list of "Loves" in her bios on social media sites, it wasn't fun. But since she trusted me so much, I played an instrumental role in her downfall. I would give information that she told me to my friends to use, and whenever she talked to me about things I would use that as a means to gather information rather than to understand her. I feel like had I been more focused on trying to understand and maybe get her some proper help, things wouldn't have been as ugly as they were. There were so many times where I thought "Maybe I should try being nicer to her" or "Maybe I shouldn't do this" but I rejected the thought, because as far as I was concerned she was an enemy and nothing else. If only I'd listened to my better judgement, maybe it could've turned out better. Maybe she would have changed and nobody would have to suffer under her anymore. Now she frequently latches onto and loses relationships, she still does the same shit. She even still texts me frequently, as though she still thinks we're friends. It's bizarre, it feels like in movies when a character dies and like one of their friends goes to their grave and talks to them like they're alive, like "Hey, this is what I did today"

But enough about her, that wasn't the only thing about middle school that sucked. Another thing that was completely unrelated to school happened. It was around September of 2015, the beginning of my seventh grade year. I had actually been fairly happy around this time. The drama with my friend hadn't really started yet, I had a pretty decently sized group of internet friends that I liked, and I had a real life friend group I liked too. I had been getting very into creating art around that time. I've always enjoyed drawing pictures from a young age, and I'd also been learning animation at that time. I had been posting my creations to the internet, most of which were pretty horrid since I was 13 at the time. Despite this I had managed to get pretty good reception as well as some valuable critiques. But my mom had been looking at some of my creations and didn't approve of the nature of their content. I guess that's understandable, since some of my animated stuff had words like "faggot" in them, which most parents wouldn't really like. This didn't bother me too much for the most part at first, and I kept at it for a while. But one day I had posted a cartoon online and my mom had a talk with me. If I were to ask what is the absolute worst I've ever felt in my life, and the closest I've ever been to straight up primal rage, this would probably be it.

My mom had talked all about how I am genuinely morally wrong for creating and enjoying the things I do. I was told that I should not openly share them with anyone, and that the world hates people who create things like that. I was told that she would not talk to me anymore unless I fully admitted to her right then and there that I was in fact morally wrong for creating this cartoon. I was incredibly angry. I wished she'd just do what she usually did and not let me use my computer for 2 weeks or slapping me across the face or something. Looking back I really don't think she had any ill intentions with what she said, she's always been a very paranoid and protective mom so I guess she wasn't trying to hurt me. But regardless, after that I had a very immediate and noticeable change in my attitude. I genuinely felt after that like the whole world just genuinely hates me and that I will never be able to find acceptance within it. Because of this new angry attitude a lot of my internet friends didn't want to talk to me anymore, and I was in general a much lonelier person.

Realistically that whole thing with my mom might not sound like a big deal, but I dunno, something about being told all that stuff from my own mother genuinely fucking hurts to me. So, after all this stuff goes down I finish middle school. I decide that I just want to isolate myself and put up with as few people as possible. That's exactly what I did. Throughout my entire summer I spent most of my time indoors, I never really talked to anyone in real life besides my brother and my father occasionally. Somehow I still managed to draw and upload art fairly often despite all of this, and that's what I continued doing. I spent most of my time that summer doing either that or playing video games. That's really it. Summer progresses and I start to notice a zombie-like lethargy the more I went on. I constantly either felt terrible about myself and things I'd done in the past, or just didn't give a shit about anything. The only thing that really helped me around that time was talking to internet friends. I had a good few left still despite pushing them away from me previously. Then summer is starting to come to a close. By then I had felt a little better thanks to hanging out on the internet, with me joining Kafuka around August of that summer and also just talking to the same people I always did. But, the internet can only act as a surrogate for real life for so long.

My first year of high school rolls around. I had tried to look at it somewhat optimistically, since I no longer had to put up with any of the bullshit drama from middle school anymore, as most of the people from back then went to a different school from me. For the first week or two things weren't too bad actually. The cafeteria had pizza from an actual pizza place, (it was Little Caesar's, but I was fine with that) I had a couple of classes I actually kinda liked, and even a particular teacher I really liked. But as the year went on, my isolated behaviors really started to fuck me over. I had still been very adamant in my promise to put up with as few people as humanly possible. I always ate my lunches alone, I never joined clubs, if anyone tried to interact with me I usually tried to avoid them, I was insistent on being as antisocial as possible. To me this was the ideal way to live. Put up with as few people as possible and just focus on getting my studies done and over with, and then go home and do a combination of drawing, browsing the internet, and playing video games. (how much of each I did just depended on how I felt really)

As time went on school felt like more and more of a chore than it usually did. The only thing that really made middle school for example bearable at all was the friend group I had. It gave me something to look forward to during the day. School, and life in general, becomes incredibly difficult the more you resist being social. Even back in elementary school when I was an asshole I at least tried to be social with other humans. Life without being social at all just feels... empty. Empty, boring and meaningless. And I hate it. I hate observing the people around me and seeing how happy they are as they enjoy each others company. I hate having so much time and no motivation or confidence to focus on anything to use it with, yet I also hate losing that time. I hate the fact that there's this incredibly big world around me with so much to offer that I have no earthly idea how to even begin to ascertain. I hate constantly feeling like I'm no good, and that I'm just an unlikable person that nobody wants around. I need to do something to change this and I have realized this. I wish I knew what the hell it is.

That leads us to the present moment. My current state is not a good one. It is at the worst it's ever been so far. But I am still young. I only just finished my first year of high school after all. There's no way it's too late to change, right? Anyway I don't post this expecting answers, I mostly just wanted to vent all this somewhere. I might just be a dumbass and you might even think less of me now that you've read this, and I suppose that's fine. I don't know much after all, so you're probably right in doing so. There is a chance I may ask for this thread to be deleted anyway, I apologize if this thread turned out to be a bit of a text wall. I guess I had a lot to say, and to be honest there are plenty more things I could go on about that I didn't even touch on, but this is long enough as it is.

Welp, back to dumb jokes and shitposting in ask threads I guess.

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Thieppy
Posted on 07-10-18 09:50 PM Link | ID: 135352


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oh, I don't think any less of you after reading this. having a lot of history, regardless of faults, is not something to blame a person for. considering how you're describing all of this, you understand just how things went downhill. I find no faults in you as you are right now.


I'm writing as I read, so this is probably not going to be constructive.

if you can reflect upon your past self like this, it's mean you have progressed one way or another.
I feel like you're lacking the very fact of having something going on for yourself, and you're just wandering about in your life unable to get an aim to what you want. what you want to do and should do, what you want to be from reflecting upon your past self, what you want to achieve to become "stable".

your internet history sounds like the typical example, only much worse. there's common notions like saying stuff you regret, ranting when you're in the wrong and receiving generic advice, easily forgotten in the shitstorm that is life.

I wouldn't blame yourself for not following through those. not only it's much easier said than done, it all depends on circumstances and once you're heading one way

be as it may, you should try not to mourn too much over the past, at least the internet part. I get that seeing all of that was a psychological blow that is hard to repress; worsened by the fact you had nobody else to blame than yourself.

even that is not all your fault, though. as a child you've been acclimated to the wrong stuff and lacked common examples (videogames for example), so coming back to the "norm" would've been hard for anybody in your situation.

finding yourself unable to refer and relate to your peers in your notions, hobbies and life in general alienates not only yourself to others, but yourself to.. yourself.
but laughing at you for it is just beyond insensitive of them. regardless of how you were.

-
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well, you have much history revolving around the same main issues. I cannot help you with that, other than recommending you to vent to somebody through actual conversation. someone qualified like a therapist, at best. not saying all therapists are great.

if you wish to rebuild your social life, you don't necessarily need to meet a lot of people at once. just a few people around you to talk, to act as pillars (figuratively) for you to support eachother and share your views of the world is much more efficient and gratifying. I feel that you'd been able to go through highschool smoother had you just had a couple of friends to depend on.

AtomicAstro
Posted on 07-11-18 03:52 AM Link | ID: 135375

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Posted by Thieppy
oh, I don't think any less of you after reading this. having a lot of history, regardless of faults, is not something to blame a person for. considering how you're describing all of this, you understand just how things went downhill. I find no faults in you as you are right now.

Alright, that's... refreshing.

Posted by Thieppy
I'm writing as I read, so this is probably not going to be constructive.

That's fine, I said myself this isn't going to be what I rely on for answers.

Posted by Thieppy
if you can reflect upon your past self like this, it's mean you have progressed one way or another.
I feel like you're lacking the very fact of having something going on for yourself, and you're just wandering about in your life unable to get an aim to what you want. what you want to do and should do, what you want to be from reflecting upon your past self, what you want to achieve to become "stable".

I would agree with that, I really don't know what I want. That's probably just something I'll have to find myself though in all honesty, I can't imagine anyone else can really do that for me.

Posted by Thieppy
be as it may, you should try not to mourn too much over the past, at least the internet part. I get that seeing all of that was a psychological blow that is hard to repress; worsened by the fact you had nobody else to blame than yourself.

I usually try not to let it bother me too much, just that one particular thread I found really ruined my night. I'm less worried about the existence of those posts themselves and more worried about the fact that the replies to it still apply.

Posted by Thieppy
even that is not all your fault, though. as a child you've been acclimated to the wrong stuff and lacked common examples (videogames for example), so coming back to the "norm" would've been hard for anybody in your situation.

finding yourself unable to refer and relate to your peers in your notions, hobbies and life in general alienates not only yourself to others, but yourself to.. yourself.
but laughing at you for it is just beyond insensitive of them. regardless of how you were.

I think what also didn't help in regards to common examples that I forgot to mention in my original post is that neither of my parents originally lived in America. They both moved here in 2000 and had me 2 years later, so they really don't have much of an idea what is commonplace with America. I think that's also what's made talking to my parents so hard, it's hard for them to relate to certain things since they spent their childhoods in Bulgaria, and in my mom's case Soviet Russia for a time.

Posted by Thieppy
well, you have much history revolving around the same main issues. I cannot help you with that, other than recommending you to vent to somebody through actual conversation. someone qualified like a therapist, at best. not saying all therapists are great.

I've considered something like that in the past, but ultimately rejected it because I felt I don't really need it. Now though it seems it is unable to be avoided though, so I may need to consult my family in regards to that. The only thing I worry about is that my family may not really see anything wrong, so they won't. I remember specifically talking to my dad about this stuff, and he never really was able to say anything, and when I said I suspected something may be wrong nothing really happened. It's not like he doesn't care, in fact he actually told me he relates to some of what I said, but I don't know if he'd be willing to take me to something like that. I'm sure it can't hurt to try at least.

Posted by Thieppy
if you wish to rebuild your social life, you don't necessarily need to meet a lot of people at once. just a few people around you to talk, to act as pillars (figuratively) for you to support eachother and share your views of the world is much more efficient and gratifying. I feel that you'd been able to go through highschool smoother had you just had a couple of friends to depend on.

That's a relief, I've generally always been the type of person who prefers to be within a small group of people.

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Robbie Rage
Posted on 07-20-18 01:29 AM Link | ID: 136658

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I've been away for a while and am just reading all this now. I truly hope your mood and mental state have improved since the time you posted this.

I can't say I think any less of you for any of this, considering my high school experience wasn't too different. What I can say for sure is that there are plenty people who don't know you personally who care about your well being. I also know that there are plenty of therapists who are willing to hear you out and work through things with you.

I know both these things, because I am both these things.

I know what it's like to feel displaced and unlikable. I'm also working as a therapist in residency, and I know there's lots of people trained and willing to talk with you...myself included. It's not about being mentally ill or crazy or anything, it's about having someone to talk to about what you're experiencing.

I would absolutely seek out a therapist you click with, it helped me tremendously when I started working out my own stuff. In the meantime, just know that everything you just said, while understandably troubling and painful, is not insurmountable. With the right support, you can move past even this and continue growing. I'm living proof.

You're still a work in progress. Don't give up.

AtomicAstro
Posted on 07-20-18 02:25 AM Link | ID: 136666

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Posted by Robbie Rage
I've been away for a while and am just reading all this now. I truly hope your mood and mental state have improved since the time you posted this.

I can't say I think any less of you for any of this, considering my high school experience wasn't too different. What I can say for sure is that there are plenty people who don't know you personally who care about your well being. I also know that there are plenty of therapists who are willing to hear you out and work through things with you.

I know both these things, because I am both these things.

I know what it's like to feel displaced and unlikable. I'm also working as a therapist in residency, and I know there's lots of people trained and willing to talk with you...myself included. It's not about being mentally ill or crazy or anything, it's about having someone to talk to about what you're experiencing.

I would absolutely seek out a therapist you click with, it helped me tremendously when I started working out my own stuff. In the meantime, just know that everything you just said, while understandably troubling and painful, is not insurmountable. With the right support, you can move past even this and continue growing. I'm living proof.

You're still a work in progress. Don't give up.

Thanks a lot for the kind words man.

I do hope to try and seek someone out eventually, I'm just not entirely sure how I'd go about it. I'm especially unsure about how to talk to my family about it. I'm not sure how to do it without coming across as though it's about the kind of stuff you mentioned with mental illness or craziness. I don't know how I'd tell them it's just to improve my own well being, I feel like I'd probably just be told the same vague shit I've heard before again. Then again I've still not even tried to ask yet, so you can't know til you try. I guess I still just have to build up the courage.

I have managed to slightly improve my mood within the last few days. I was at a particularly low point when I had posted that whole thing, so things have been a bit better since. I've been attempting to go outside more, it's something I didn't really do on a regular basis before since just going out on a whim without a particular reason in mind, especially if I don't bring my brother with me, is something my mom gets freaked out by. I know it's normal for parents to ask shit like "where are you going/when are you coming back/etc" but I dunno sometimes I just wanna go out just because, to kind of just observe my surroundings or just do whatever. I don't consider that to be weird or bad at all.

Also I managed to actually reconnect with my old middle school friendgroup. (and, thankfully, minus the evil bitch I mentioned in my original post) A pal of mine had a small little birthday celebration at his place and it was a fun time. We played a bunch of fighting games, a lot of Skullgirls and Guilty Gear mostly, and after that we watched the entirety of Mad Bull 34. (hilariously fun OVA from the 90's by the way watch it if you haven't) Probably the first actual group social interaction I've had in a long time and it was really damn nice. Due to moving I'll be transferring to the same school as them and plenty of old pals of mine actually, so I think I'll have a chance to possibly talk to them again. Only bad thing is one of my best friends, who I lost track with since he doesn't really have much technology access, (his family isn't the most wealthy in the world) is gonna be transferring to a private school his parents saved up for and I'll likely never see him again. Shame too, the guy and I had a lot of fun times together. But most of the other people from that circle will be there so I have that to look forward to.

But yeah things have been improving lately and things are looking relatively bright for me, although I'm still trying to mentally prepare myself for any surprises or other bullshit that may happen. It is high school after all.

____________________
Giant Paratroopa
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Handsome Gentleman
7/23/18

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