Posts by Thierry - Kafuka Boards

I dunno how to put this, so I'll start with some backstory.

for a long while, I had given up responsabilities I couldn't bring myself to bear. and now I'm paying the price for it.
this is my life we're talking about. I can't compare myself to whoever because my life is weird:

first, my school course is a failure for the most part. in major part due to a bad setting and me slacking more and more over time.
at the end of the day, I haven't learnt much.
I've been running away and indulging in distractions for so long, my life had become peak inefficient (and frustrating) til recently.
I ended up snapping and letting it all out to my mother, and had a proper talk with my parents. thanks to that, I got an opporunity (which I clumsily started to seize) and things have improved somewhat.

but the large part of my problems remain: the feeling of having no control over your own school course is ridiculous. being a disappointment (hello worthlessness) has always been a major source of my repressed stress. it's been going on for years so it's probably never going to go away.

anyway, since I can't just not care anymore, I'm taking it a lot more seriously again. and my stress says hi.
since the day I accidentally started a revolution, my mindset has shifted towards fixing the many broken aspects of my life and turning out normal-ish. normal enough to be a good bun for the one I like, and decent enough to be able to become what I wish to be.

I'll admit, the possiblity of a life with* Epele is the top reason I'm pushing my way through getting my life moving again.

so, I've been getting some progress at starting to get my life back in order, beginning with my surroundings. for example, turning my place (well, our apartment) into something else than a mess.
now I'm done with the bulk of it and only the tedious stuff remain, I'm having trouble stay motivated and get stuff done. while I said fixing aspects of my life, I'm very unsure what to do next, and in the meantime I'm doing about nothing. if I let myself laze away in a daze I'll be waste time.
I don't want to go back to waiting in vain for things to happen, while taking blows** and ending depressed.

to be frank, I have no idea how to properly explain all this. I'm just writing what's on my mind but since it's something you need to <be there> to understand, it's full of context holes.

anyway.. my stress usually rises when I have enough time to think too much; but I don't think forcing myself to be proactive would solve anything.

on average, when I'm dealing with high stress there's common occurences: lots of "hopeless" matter on my mind, the way small hindrances tick me off easily, how anything that is delayed piles up in my mind, and my motivation sinking down.

I'm not at my worst; I can let out some of my repressed feelings more freely to my parents than before. but I can't just unload and abuse thier understanding stance; they are steadily getting fed up with my "revolution" already.

there's also stress I have no ways to unload, like private matters I cannot and do not want to disclose. so I'm stuck, I want to talk it out with somebody understanding but can't.
said >somebody cannot be a therapist. I'm willing to talk to a therapist about my sexual identity, but anything about my repressed stress goes way back and I can't think of ways to sum it up. I'm not willing to talk about this to a third party who doesn't know me one bit.