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11-21-24 01:30 PM |
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| 0 users currently in The Officer's Club | 1 bot |
| Main - The Officer's Club - Bad blood, and a new life |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45    
Posts: 41/524 EXP: 623800 Next: 36364 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 518 days Last view: 240 days |
I haven't been here very long, but the community here was very welcoming from the start, so at this point I feel comfortable being open about my life and what's been going on lately.
Here goes. The past 9 months have been a nightmare. In during that time I've fallen out with people and been an asshat countless times, and I hate the person I've been. Frankly, the person I've been these past months is someone I don't like, recognize, or want to be, yet for some reason I continue to make the same mistakes time and time again. I'll start with my online interactions. I used to be a member of the SMWCentral community, but I've been banned from there TWICE now. Why? Because I became overly attached to the board over the years (I joined in 2013) and somehow I turned into an overly dramatic flamey immature piece of shit and grew to hate the board I loved for so many years. This applies to both my bans, the first being in late October and the second being in early May. At this point an unban is out of the question. Never gonna happen. Even after my ban I still managed to be a pest by being a cunt to people over Discord and reregging multiple times. I'm really ashamed of myself for it and I wish I could undo everything and start over, but alas, I can't. Now for the real life stuff. Depression episodes began to kick in for me in October and they lasted until about May. It fucked up my school work and my social life, as I began to be cold towards people. That being said though, the school I've been going to for the last two years has been a terrible fit for me and I felt haunted in a way by certain people there (namely my ex girlfriend. Will touch on her more in a moment). Academically the school is bad for me. I live in Portland Oregon, so its basically a hipster city, and the school I was going to was no different. It didn't have a letter grade system and most of the teachers weren't good at their jobs at all. What's crazy is that the actual workload was pretty small compared to most schools, yet I struggled to get things done. Partially that was my ADD getting in the way, coupled with my parents not letting me take meds for it out of fear of me developing a physical dependency. Not only that, but the drama fucked things up even more, especially when it came to my ex. In December I was having a super shitty week and I felt as though she didn't care about me anymore so I got on her case about it. She showed no sign that she cared, so I gave her the finger and moved on... for about five months. We became friends again later on, but then something happened and all of a sudden she started treating me like shit. Here's the kicker: I'm moving to the east coast in August. I get to press the reset button on my life, and I'm so excited! But when it came to my ex? All of a sudden she "doesn't care" that I'm moving away and will likely never see her again. Finally I got so sick of her shit that I blocked her number. I haven't spoken to her since and I don't have the slightest urge to reverse my decision. Now, to any moderators reading this, don't worry. I don't plan on being dramatic here. I want to be a better person from here on out, and I plan on sticking to that. There's a lot of things I haven't talked about but I'm doing all of this on my phone so I'll fill in more details later. Let me know what you think of this and if you have any tips on self improvement I'd love to hear them. |
| Robbie Rage |
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Normal User
 Boomerang Brother Fueled by Board Nostalgia and Old Memes Level: 130
Posts: 1004/6020 EXP: 25243152 Next: 487425 Since: 11-22-16 From: New Jersey, USA Status: Not even mad. Since: 2001 Last post: 934 days Last view: 69 days |
I wouldn't worry about mod interference. If you get too ridiculous, nobody would respond to begin with.
First, I think it's commendable for recognizing your flaws and wanting to improve yourself. Though I may not know all that was said or done by you or others, I do know that not everyone is willing to admit when they mess up. As far as I'm concerned, the only really bad mistake is the one you don't learn from. Take the lessons with you, and you'll be fine. This same principle definitely applies to relationships as well. They can be messy and complicated, so sometimes all you can do is take ownership of your side, learn your lessons, and leave the rest in the dust. It sounds like you're doing just that, so good on you. As for the mental health issues, that seems like a whole other game. If your life is being inhibited by attention deficit disorder and depressive episodes, you owe it to yourself to seek help, regardless of whether or not medication is involved. (Besides, though I am not a medical doctor, from everything I've read and seen, not all medications are habit forming.) That said, I have to ask: have you ever spoken to a professional about any of this? Many schools offer some sort of free counseling services, and many can even refer you to a good psychiatrist (assuming that one is even nesscessary, as many mental health issues may not even require medication for treatment). Find a professional to speak with, and they should be able to find a method that works best for you. Finally, congrats on your move to the east coast, especially if you'll be in the New York / New Jersey area. If you are, enjoy the pizza and beaches!  |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 46/524 EXP: 623800 Next: 36364 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 518 days Last view: 240 days |
You say that, but I think one of my issues is that I recognize where I screw up a little too much. Then again, you were never on the recieving end of my tantrums so there's that. Thank you though.
The depressive episodes are long gone, and I will be taking a new form of medication when I start school again.
I've been regularly seeing a therapist/psychiatrist since 2014. Therapy has helped me tremendously and I would be in a much worse place now had I not taken it. Problem is that the highschool I went to for the past two years didn't have a counselor or anything. The only "counselor" was my advisor who offered to let me vent about my problems to her, but I rarely ever did that because she was busy all the time.
Thanks! I'll be moving either Massachusettes or Rhode Island though. |
| Robbie Rage |
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Normal User
Boomerang Brother Fueled by Board Nostalgia and Old Memes Level: 130
Posts: 1008/6020 EXP: 25243152 Next: 487425 Since: 11-22-16 From: New Jersey, USA Status: Not even mad. Since: 2001 Last post: 934 days Last view: 69 days |
Posted by 575Yoshi Where does that idea come from? Do you find yourself dwelling on your mistakes instead of just recognizing them and working on them over time? If so, you may want to discuss this with your therapist if you haven't already. Posted by 575Yoshi True, and I wouldn't mind keeping it that way. Anger management is fun and profitable for all! 
Posted by 575Yoshi I have noticed that not all guidance counselors or academic advisors have the sort of training that may be most helpful to you. It's sad, but at least it sounds like she cares enough to listen when possible, and it sounds like you have others to fall back on. Posted by 575Yoshi Hopefully it's Massachusetts. Boston is a pretty neat city. |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 47/524 EXP: 623800 Next: 36364 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 518 days Last view: 240 days |
To a degree, yes, but mainly its because I always admit when I made a mistake so its only commendable the first few times. After that it just becomes annoying as hell.
Indeed. Don't worry, there's like a 1% chance I'll lash out at anyone here.
Yeah, that is helpful.
I definitely want to visit Boston, but having lived in a big (ish) city my entire life I've grown to hate living in a city. Maybe Portland just sucks more than everyone else, I dunno. |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 89/524 EXP: 623800 Next: 36364 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 518 days Last view: 240 days |
Its been a while so I figured I'd post an update.
Summer has been very good so far. A little dull at times, but I've managed to unwind from this shitty past year pretty well, so the dull moments don't bother me much. Remember all the bad stuff I said about my high school and the people that went there in my initial post? Well, now I've reached the point where I've shut out literally everyone but two people from there. Blocked, removed, etc. As cruel as it sounds, kinda felt nice to tell the asshole I basically had to fake a friendship with for two years that he was never my friend and that I despised him right before hitting the "Block this caller" button on my phone. Now you might be asking yourself, "it makes sense to remove the assholes from your life, but what about your other friends? What's the point of removing them?" It boils down to one of three things. A: I legitimately don't care about them anymore. B: I feel like all I've done is piss them off and they'd be better off without me. C: Both A and B. Unfortunately (or is it?), C applies to someone who I had considered one of my best friends for a long time. We both had each other's backs and we'd both vent about whatever was on our minds. Hell, I was the first person he came out as a furry to because of my no fucks given attitude towards fetishism. That being said, he made it clear to me on numerous occasions when I was being insensitive and such, and over time it just got to the point where I felt like a nuisance. That combined with the fact that I hadn't spoken to him in a month and ultimately just don't care about him anymore is what drove me to remove him from everything. I feel shitty just saying all this, but this is what things have come to lately, and... it kinda sucks. Through all of this I've been taking comfort in my friends from elementary/middle school, who are easy to contact at any time. Those are really the people I care about these days, they've always been there for me and they always will be. The amount of time I've known these people has been much longer than two years, hell, some people who've been my friends for EIGHT years I still talk to regularly. Not only have these people been my loyal friends for all this time, but they and their families have been there when me and my dad needed it. Back when my mom died of a malignant brain tumor in 2011, these people offered an amount of support I never could have DREAMED of. They offered emotional support, brought us food, some even helped us pay some bills. It was... really touching. Obviously nothing major like that happened since I started high school, but I never got the impression that anyone would do jack shit for me or anyone else if something like that happened. So here we are. Strangely enough, the two people I do talk to are some 7th grade girls (friends of friends essentially) who I indirectly got into anime and we talk pretty frequently. They've actually been the cool ones during all of this, even though I really only started talking to them towards the end of it all. So yeah in conclusion I'm kind of a dick I guess but I just... need to move on I suppose. |
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