In Soviet Nazi Germany, Communism Eats *YOU*

HEY GUYS, IT'S HITLER'S BIRTHDAY TODAY,
SO I MIGHT AS WELL RELEASE THIS!

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In Soviet Nazi Germany, Communism Eats *YOU*
also known as: Hitler and the quest for THE JOJ

Goal: try to write a story about World War II without any swearing or sex jokes,
so if it's offensive, it's offensive simply for being about World War II
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In A.D. 2100, Westley from a foundation repair company located in Texas,
named HOH SIS, somehow became president of the United States of America.
This company was famous for something called "THE JOJ" which was actually the
word "job" but with the second half of the word replaced with the first half
in reverse. Westley was obsessed with doing things all over again.

HOH SIS was called on the phone by Hitler and Westley picked up the phone.
Hitler: "hey dude"
Westley: "sup?"
Hitler: "I was just thinking, uhhh, REMEMBER WORLD WAR 2 from like, the 1940s?"
Westley: "IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN"
Hitler: "holy crap, okay!"

In A.D. 2101
World War II was Beginning. AGAIN.
Hitler: "yeah let's do this thing all over again"
Westley: "YEAH!!!"

Somehow Nazi Germany existed again, and so did the Soviet Union, and pretty
much everything was how it was during World War II.
except this time, Hitler wanted THE JOJ and wanted it REALLY BADLY!!!!
AND THERE WAS VEGETA WHO WAS OVER 9000 DOLLARS IN DEBT

so the Soviet Union and the USA and Britain and China and THE FRENCHY FRENCH,
and even Canada got together and were all "no u can't have THE JOJ, hitler <3"
also there was Poland, and Goku!!!!!

while Italy and Japan were like "hey we want the joj too!!!!!!!!!!"
also there was Iraq. AND OTHER COUNTRIES but they won't be in this.
anyway italy and japan were on hitler's side!!!!!! TOGETHER, THEY WERE
THE FACES OF EVIL, BUT HISTORIANS SAY THEY WERE ACTUALLY THE "AXIS OF EVIL"

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Hitler invaded poland and was like "lol poland im in ur base killing ur doods"

so GEORGE W. BUSH reacted by invading Iraq (all by himself)
Bushie: "hahaha I'm in Iraq!!!!!"
Iraq: "no get out plz"
Bushie: "no just try and stop me"
so the Iraq people got weapons of mass destruction
Bushie: "plz help"

so the USA sent Bill Nye the Science Guy
Bill Nye: "Iraq, there's no such thing as mass destruction. You can't DESTROY mass."
Iraq: "sorry I guess you're right"
so they gave the weapons of mass destruction to Bill Nye
who was like "oh sweet!!!!!!"

------okay over in poland--------
Poland: "hey hitler get out of here"
Hitler: "SORRY POLAND I WANT THE JOJ"
Poland: "we don't have it, sorry"
Hitler: "I KNOW U GOT THE JOJ"
Poland: "no but we have JOBS"
Hitler: "can we have that please"
so Poland sent Steve Jobs to Hitler in a Limo
Steve: "hey dude!!!!!!!!"
and then he gave Hitler an iPhone.
Hitler: "holy crap this............ totally wasn't in World War II at all"

Steve: "WHO CARES!!!!!!!?"
Hitler: "yeah I guess you're right"
so Hitler left Poland and decided to go elsewhere to look for THE JOJ!!!!!
because Poland only had Jobs and not JOJ

----------------IN IRAQ------------------
Bushie: "oh hitler left poland, hey guys can you pick me up"
Bushie: "guys?"

Bill Nye was still there
so he invented a super awesome TV and Bill Nye and George Bush were watching it
and an educational program about Russia or something came on.
and it was supposed to play a video clip about Vladimir Lenin taking over,
except the title of it was "LENIN TAKES OVER VIDEO CLIP" and there was no spacing at all
between "takes over" and "video clip" so he turned evil and TOOK OVER THE VIDEO CLIP.
Bill Nye tried to change the channel but it was stuck.
Lenin: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I TOOK OVER THIS VIDEO CLIP"
Lenin: "YOU CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and then Bill Nye tried to turn the TV off but couldn't
Lenin: "I TOOK OVER A VIDEO CLIP!!!!!!!"
Lenin: "AFTER, I SHALL RULE, UH, THE WORLD!!!!!!!"
Bill Nye: "you're stuck in the TV, dummy!"
Lenin: "OH, TRUE!!!!!"

AND THEN SUDDENLY,
JOHN LENNON from the Beatles showed up in a yellow submarine
and got out and was like "SUP LENIN"
Lenin: "oh nothing, just TAKING OVER THIS VIDEO CLIP"
Lennon: "if it's just a clip of a video, why is it lasting so long????"
Lenin: "IT'S THE NEVERENDING VIDEO CLIP!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I TOOK IT OVER!"
Lennon: "oh alright that makes sense"

So what were George Bush and Bill Nye doing during this?
THEY WERE HIJACKING THE YELLOW SUBMARINE!!!!! AND DROVE AWAY!

when John Lennon finally noticed he was like
Lennon: "holy crap guys, come back with my YELLOW SUBMARINE"
Bushie: "no way!!!!"
Bill Nye: "all your submarine are belong to us!!!"
and they drove off to home in the submarine
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So Hitler went to Anne Frank's house (what, did you expect it to be secret or something?)
and busted down the door.
Hitler: "hey anne do u have the joj"
Anne: "no, hitler"

Hitler: "YOU LIE!!!!"
and hitler held up anne frank's diary and turned to a page:
"Dear diary, today I had THE JOJ with Goku and it was fantastic or something"
Anne: "UH, WELL......"
Hitler: "I WANT THE JOJ!!!!!"
Anne: "fine you can have it"
Hitler: "wait, really??"
Anne: "yes"
Hitler: "where is it????"
and then Steve Jobs pulled up in a limo
Hitler: "CRAP, NOT THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!"
and Hitler punched Anne Frank
Anne: "that hurt, u big meanie"
and Anne called Goku on the phone
Goku: "hi this is goku"
Anne: "dude I need you to come over here and beat up hitler okay?"
so goku flew over
Goku: "I'm sorry Anne but Hitler has left the building"
Anne: "AFTER HIM!!!!!"
Goku ran out after Hitler and got to him

Goku: "hi hitler"
Hitler: "OH NO IT'S GOKU"
and Goku went super saiyan
Hitler: "HEY TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and hitler's hair turned spiky and blond and his eyes turned blue and he was super powerful
Goku: "holy crap you can go super saiyan"
Hitler: "UH, NO, THIS IS ARYAN RAGE MODE, IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!"
so they both went in the air
Goku: "KAMEHAMEHA!!!!"
and he fired an energy blast
and hitler dodged it and attacked with Panzer Strike
(all his attacks are named after nazi war machines)
but it missed and then goku tried again
and it got hitler
Hitler: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU GOT ME"
and he crashed to the ground as his normal self
but he wasn't actually hurt, he was mostly just stunned
Goku: "DON'T EVER LET ME CATCH YOU HURTING ANNE FRANK AGAIN"
Hitler: "yes sir"

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so hitler went to SOVIET RUSSIA because he heard the joj was there.
ALL THE BUILDINGS WERE SHAPED LIKE TETRIS BLOCKS

Hitler: "HELLOOOOOOO IS THERE ANY JOJ IN HERE???"
but there was nobody around!!!!!
so he went in Stalin's house
Hitler: "hahaha I'm Stalin!!"

and then the real Stalin came in
and then this guy named STUPID shot an arrow (the retarded brother of CUPID!!!)
and THEY FELL IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hitler: "Stalin you're looking awfully gorgeous today!!!!"
Stalin: "Holy crap hitler your moustache is so sexy!!!!!"
Hitler: "Oh Stalin" <3
Stalin: "Oh Hitler" <3
they hugged romantically and made out
Hitler: "Stalin let's be together always"
Stalin: "What about the war?"
Hitler: "WHO CARES ABOUT THE WAR?" <3
Stalin: "Oh, okay" :3
and they kissed! <3
Hitler: "Stalin, let's get married!" <3
Stalin: "Okay!"
so Hitler and Stalin went to a marriage place
Marriage guy: "Hitler will you take Stalin to be your wife"
Hitler: "Yes" <3
Marriage guy: "Stalin will you take Hitler to be your husband"
Stalin: "Yes!!!!" <3
and they got married

so Stalin and Hitler were now on their honeymoon and totally out of the war
a reporter guy named ANDY was like "WONDER HOW LONG THE HONEYMOON WILL LAST"
and took a photo! - http://www.apstudent.com/ushistory/docs1901/hitlstal.jpg

Who takes over Germany and Soviet Russia, then!?
In Germany, a guy by the name of ClIF H. BrON who was really good with rockets
came into power alongside a monster made of BUTTER. (the butter guy was the leader though)
Russia, meanwhile, elected Bio Force Ape. (actually, there was only one guy
at the voting place since everyone else was busy playing Tetris.
THAT PERSON WAS DONKEY KONG, SO GUESS WHO HE VOTED FOR!!!)
(Bio Force Ape was an ape who drank Bio Force serum to become a pro wrestler)
ClIF H. BrON's arch nemesis, BrINClHOF lived in Russia!

Suddenly all the bananas in Germany were missing, and everyone blamed Bio Force Ape.
so SOME ANGRY GERMAN GUY posted ads that said "$2000 to whoever kills BIO FORCE APE!!!!!"

so the Butter Monster drove a limo to Bio Force Ape's house
but the door was locked, so he SLIPPED QUIETLY IN THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOOR
(remember, he's made of butter, SO HE CAN DO THAT)
but then Paper Doll Man showed up and was like "dude THAT'S *MY* THING, NOT YOURS"
and they got in a fight, but the butter monster was a coward so he kept slipping
quietly in through the cracks of doors to try and escape while Paper Doll Man followed him!

Eventually the butter monster ended up in the room with a very upset Bio Force Ape!!!!!
Bio Force Ape: "dude get the hell out of my house"
Butter Monster: "JA I AM MADE OF DUR BUTTER UND YOU ARE WORTH 2K MONIES"
and then Bio Force Ape got so angry that he punched the butter monster right in the face,
shouting "EAT COMMUNISM!!!" (paper doll man turned into a paper airplane and escaped)
and the butter monster was dead DUE TO THE AWESOME COMMIE FIST OF BIO FORCE APE!!!!!!
http://durbutter.com/durbutter.gif

Andy reported this in the newspaper: "BIO FORCE APE KILLS THE BUTTER MONSTER, SAYS TO EAT COMMUNISM"
so Wilford Brimley, some old diabetic guy, invaded a Quaker Oats company and forced
them to sell COMMIE OATS instead that were red colored and didn't actually taste that good.
Germany, as a whole (except ClIF BrON decided to drop out of the war and eat COMMIE FLAKES instead.
Also in the news: "PAPER DOLL MAN GETS IN EPIC FIGHT WITH PARAPPA THE RAPPER!!!!!"

ClIF BrON was surprised to see Germany's leader go down so easily!!!!!
HE WAS SO ANGRY AT RUSSIA
so he decided to go against the Allies ALL BY HIMSELF. He built a giant rocket
that he was planning on launching AT RUSSIA.
On the side of the rocket were the words "DIATOMIC ELEMENTS ARE COOL!!!"

Bio Force Ape (russia's leader) heard of this and called over his buddies BrINClHOF and
this really cool guy named SID SPACE. (who was good at both latin AND SPACE STUFF).
(his actual name is "Sine In De Sub Pro Ab Cum Ex" but nobody can remember that
so everyone calls him SID SPACE, which is a lot easier to pronounce too)
They found these REALLY OLD Roman plans for an orbital space cannon thingy.
Because the Romans wrote it, it was in latin, which SID SPACE was able to translate
perfectly for BrINClHOF to build.
SID SPACE then used his space skills to get the orbital space cannon into orbit.

ClIF BrON was about to launch his rocket at russia when suddenly
THE ORBITAL SPACE CANNON BLEW IT UP but it didn't hurt anyone.
he could just build another though!!!

but before he could,
a police guy was at his house
Police guy: "ClIF BrON YOU NEED TO COME WITH ME"
ClIF BrON: "okay what did I do now"
Police guy: "ON THE SIDE OF your rocket you wrote illegal stuff"
ClIF BrON: "wait so I'm not going to jail for the rocket itself"
Police guy: "what rocket"
ClIF BrON: "uh"
the police guy punched ClIF BrON
ClIF BrON: "that was totally UNCALLED FOR!!!!!!!!!!"
Police guy: "you're coming WITH US"
and they handcuffed ClIF BrON and had him get in the car
EXCEPT IT WAS A PAPA JOHN'S DELIVERY CAR
and when the police got him into the car,
guess who was driving!!!??? (it was BrINClHOF)

BrINClHOF!!!!! QUIT DRIVING THAT CAR. IT'S NOT YOURS!!!!!!

BrINClHOF: "ur going 2 jail mister"
ClIF BrON: "since when!!!?????!?!?!"
BrINClHOF: "since 4ever, dude!!!!"
ClIF BrON: "wait isn't this a papa john's delivery car"
BrINClHOF: "I DUNNO IS IT!??????"
ClIF BrON: "how did you get this car"
BrINClHOF: "I STOLE IT FROM A GARDEN GNOME!!!!!"
ClIF BrON: "isn't that illegal or something"
and BrINClHOF turned around and presented a license:
"BrINClHOF - LICENSE TO STEAL FROM GARDEN GNOMES!!!!!!!!!!!"
except the whole thing was done in really sloppy handwriting
that was obviously BrINClHOF's!!!
ClIF BrON: "wait isn't that in your own handwriting"
BrINClHOF: "NO IT'S HELEN KELLER'S!!!!!!"
ClIF BrON: "she could not see THE GARDEN GNOME!!!!!!!"
BrINClHOF: "what's a garden GNOME!????????"
ClIF BrON:

BrINClHOF: "no seriously what is a garden gnome??? I made all this stuff up!!"
ClIF BrON: "where did you really get the car then??"
BrINClHOF: "oh I ordered a pizza from papa john's, but-"
ClIF BrON: "oh wow did you seriously say papa john's BUTT?"
BrINClHOF: "no!!!! be quiet"
ClIF BrON: "does he even have a butt??"
BrINClHOF: "WHY YES HE DOES!!!!!!!"
ClIF BrON: "ew!!!!! how disgusting!!!!!!"
BrINClHOF: "EXACTLY HOW DISGUSTING!???? THAT'S A JOB FOR SCIENCE!!!"
ClIF BrON: "let's build a DISGUSTING-O-METER!!!!!!!!!"
so yeah they went off and totally did lots of science things instead of actually doing the war!!!
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So now, there was still Italy and Japan left, and Italy was being run by MARIO.
Mario had this pretty terrible idea for a weapon that was to be a GIGANTIC VOLCANO
that he would build IN THE WHITE HOUSE that was to be full of vinegar and he would
drop tons of baking soda in via a plane and it would make a bunch of foam and drown everyone.

Mario had everyone put ALL THE BAKING SODA OF ALL OF ITALY in one place but it was secret.
Fortunately, he only got the GIGANTIC VOLCANO built before Mario's evil plans were discovered.

BrINClHOF and ClIF BrON were given a mission to STOP mario from flooding the place.
They checked lotsa castles to try and find the baking soda but in every castle
there was a guy that said "sorry but your baking soda is in another castle!!!!"

but in one castle there was this really helpful guy named Mr.Map that they picked up
who was a map, who sang. Except he wasn't just any map, he was THE map, and he liked
to constantly remind everyone of that in his special song.
Mr.Map: "IF THERE'S A PLACE YOU GOTTA GO, I'M THE ONE YOU NEED TO KNOW"
ClIF BrON: "well THAT'S GREAT, map, show us where the baking soda is pease"
Mr.Map: "IF THERE'S A PLACE YOU GOTTA GET, I CAN GET YOU THERE I BET!!!"
ClIF BrON: "yeah I understand now show us where it is please"
Mr.Map: "I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP..."
and then BrINClHOF picked up the map and looked at it
and apparently the baking soda supply was in texas right next to the joj supply, actually
so they went there and STUFFED ALL THE BAKING SODA INTO A TRUCK
and they were like "all your BASE are belong to us!!! get it!??" AND THEY DROVE OFF WITH IT.

Mario was very upset when he learned of this news.
Obviously he didn't have any better plans so he just gave up on the war.
he paid the USA 5 coins for their troubles and Westley was all "OMG, YOU CHEAPSKATE!!!"
but otherwise didn't bother him anymore! (because it totally paid off Vegeta's debt somehow,
becaused he used the 5 coins to buy gum and then he paid the debt collector guy in gum).
TRIDENT LAYERS!!!

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Suddenly the country of COLGATE was formed and it was part of the AXIS OF EVIL!!!!
It was ruled by this purple rabbit dentist guy named Doctor Rabbit!
COLGATE made these really stupid looking airplanes shaped like candies.

These airplanes were actually pretty cool!!!!
On the side they said "PLAQUE ATTACK" and everything!!!
AND PLAQUE MONSTERS PILOTED THEM!!!!
except they only dropped out candy, in an attempt to give kids cavities.

Dr.Rabbit realized this wasn't very effective, and signed a deal with AT&T,
where AT&T agreed to change its name to A-TNT, which now stood for
"easily Avoidable-TNT" and it made really crappy explosives that were
super easy to avoid.

The USA sent in really dumb TOOTHPASTE SHAPED ANTI-AIR WEAPONS
to combat this threat.

Somehow, it worked perfectly!!!!!!
and COLGATE dropped out of the war and decided to sell toothpaste instead.
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So, basically everyone in the axis was out of the war except Japan!!!!
USA: "hey japan you should like, surrender"
Japan: "NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!!!!!!!"
USA: "hey japan if you don't surrender WE'LL DROP THE F-BOMB ON YOU!!!!"
so the USA hired F-Bomberman (which was like bomberman except he had a potty mouth)
and he went to japan and shouted the F-word at the very top of his lung
which caused a GIANT EXPLOSION! (it's an F-*BOMB*, what did you expect?)
So Japan itself was like "F-WORD!!!!!!!!" in reaction which made more explosions,
so they got this guy named Barack Obama and put him on a helicopter
Obama: "uh guys what are you doing"
and they flew to washington DC
and pushed Obama out and he fell into the oval office somehow
and was the new president!!!!
USA: "CRAP YOU JUST DROPPED THE O-BOMB ON AMERICA"
Japan: "well you dropped the F-bomb on us. it's only fair!"

Obama: "hey guys let's have universal healthcare!!!!!!!"

USA: "THAT SOUNDS GREAT, ACTUALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and then Japan laughed evilly!!!!

Yes this does mean Westley wasn't the president anymore

AND THEN OBAMASTORY HAPPENED!!!!!
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AND THEN, a few months after the war, on 4/20, Hitler went to his mailbox
and there it was: A PACKAGE OF THE JOJ sent by France, with the letter:
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!! ~love, france"
and included was like, a couple slices of FRENCH BREAD and some FRENCH FRIES.
but at he bottom the letter said:
"P.S. THE JOJ was all actually in Texas. I don't know why you didn't just try
to invade HOH SIS instead of entering random countries!!! KIND OF DUMB IF YOU ASK ME!"

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