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11-23-24 09:51 AM |
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| Main - The Officer's Club - My toxic father (UPDATE: SEE LATEST POST) |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45    
Posts: 417/524 EXP: 624013 Next: 36151 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 520 days Last view: 242 days |
Be forewarned, this thread is going to be a jumbled mess.
My dad isn't a bad person but he has a lot of issues that have affected me a lot over the years. Most times I try to be self-aware and acknowledge that when something happens (whether it be me doing something or some other external factor) that it's either my fault or that there's nothing he could have done, but because of this he's managed to chip away at my self-esteem little by little over the years and he doesn't even know or acknowledge he's doing it. I won't list all the reasons that resulted in his behavior because I don't want to share his private info on the web out of respect for him, but to be vague I'll just say his life hasn't been the greatest and I understand where the behavior I find wrong comes from. So we've been spending the past two years trying to move ourselves across the US to get out of my garbage hometown, so naturally that put him in a lot of very stressful situations. On top of that, he's also trying to start a business so that he can make an income, but he hasn't been able to work on it at all because he's constantly doing things for myself and my stepmom who has an auto-immune disorder and can't drive at the moment. This pretty much puts him in a constant state of stress, not only because he has to manage all of this stuff, but also because he's NEVER said no to others so he can do something for himself, so he just hides it and looks normal most of the time. But naturally he can't keep everything bottled up so when he stops hiding the fact that he's stressed he acts like a whiny little teenager and is snippy and angry at both me and my stepmom. For most of this summer this happens at least once every other week, but in some situations its happened for a few consecutive days. This is one of those grey areas for me. This is something I can't stand and I try not to let it get to me but eventually it does and it stresses me out, A LOT. And while on the one hand I understand where all of this is coming from, I feel like he could have done something to give himself a substantial release. I'm not in his shoes though so I can't judge too much. What I feel I can judge though is his "anger." I put anger in quotes because when he gets passionate about something he raises his voice a bit and looks quite angry. This has been going on my entire life and whenever anyone has called him out on it (including me) he just says "I'm not being angry, I'm just passionate." I know he picked up his behavior from the time he spent in Greece (If you've been to Greece you know what I mean), but AMERICA ISN'T FUCKING GREECE. I haven't been able to get over this shit my entire life because I can never tell when he's angry and when he isn't and he clings to that whole "I'm not angry" defense for dear life. In my opinion, this is something that HE NEEDS to fix, it shouldn't be my responsibility to get over it. Furthermore, whenever I call this out, his second line of defense is always "Really? Was I about to hit you?" To be fair, he rarely if ever gets physical (he did slap me once when I was being a pain in the ass but it wasn't a hard one and looking back I kinda had it coming), but just because he isn't getting physical doesn't mean that his seemingly angry outbursts are okay. For most of my life I've always been scared of him because of this and sometimes I've cowered when he gets angry. On a few occasions he's even mocked my cowering and called it "pussy shit," which he still tries to justify whenever I try to bring it up (I haven't been able to mention the exact things he's said, but I don't think it would have made any difference if I did). Like I get that to an extent I should fear my dad whenever I do something out of line or whatever but I feel like this is overkill, yet he continues to blame me for being upset with his anger. To be fair, these kinds of outbursts usually happen because I didn't do something I was supposed to (or vice verse) or because I said something disrespectful, and even though I still think he's being overkill I should be on top of my shit so I'm more understanding in those situations. However, over this summer we've had a lot of conversations about school and my academic performance because frankly, it hasn't been great. Up until Junior year I didn't attend a school that was good so the staff's incompetence combined with my ADD resulted in me being a pretty shitty student. Junior year was a nightmare because transitioning to a school where teachers actually expect you to do shit and give you a substantial workload was new and stressful, so lots of anxiety ensued and I didn't do very well junior year (My GPA was 2.4 by the end of the year). While the people at my school are more quick to congratulate me on my progress and urge me to do better, I feel constantly pressured by my parents because they know I can do better than I did. In the more heated conversations we've had about this, my dad usually looks pretty mad at me. He gets on my case for doing a bunch of extra-curriculars and hanging out with friends a bit too much, occasionally throwing in little mocking insults like "'Look at me I'm a musician now'" because of my newfound interest in music production. Like yeah we've talked about this before, you don't need to rub it in, and you CERTAINLY don't need to mock me either. I acknowledge that I shouldn't have spent extra time doing non-academic stuff but like, Jesus Christ, calm down. We even had a conversation in the car once where he was basically saying the exact same things I had talked to my stepmom about the night before but in a really angry way while also threatening to pull me out of my dream school if my GPA drops too low. Naturally I felt a little uneasy here because it seemed like he was going off on me for no reason, and then, ONCE AGAIN, he tries to pin the blame on me when he notices that I sound irritated and uncomfortable when he's telling me all this stuff. The worst part was that when he asked me why I was getting so upset and I responded with "Because you just threatened to pull me out of school of I don't do well enough," he tells me he wasn't threatening me. I dunno if I'm crazy, but telling me you're going to pull me out of school if I don't do good enough sounds like THE DEFINITION OF A FUCKING THREAT. Maybe I'm in the wrong on that one, I don't know. So yeah long story short he appears way too angry when he supposedly isn't and he blames everyone but himself when someone calls him out. I don't see why I or anyone else should be the one to change their mindset when this behavior is not normal. I've occasionally brought up him occasionally mocking and insulting me, and that's where we encounter another problem. Whenever I try to talk to him and tell him he's said something that has hurt me, he almost always responds with "I wasn't trying to make fun of you, you're making this up in your head," which is one of the most dismissive things I've ever heard. I'm well aware fo the fact that I can be a sensitive person and for years I've been trying to not let him get to me, but for fucks sake, he's my FATHER. I've dealt with enough bullshit from people at my previous schools and whatnot, the last person I need dishing out mocking insults is my fucking parent. Like we're not living in a cesspit of vaporwave memes here, I'm not making this shit up in my head because I'm bored or whatever, I was legitimately hurt. And yeah, maybe he wasn't trying to be hurtful, but if that's the case, then maybe he should rethink the way he expresses himself instead of dismissing my complaints. And speaking of dismissive behavior, whenever we get into arguments like this he always tries to guilt me by talking about how he's kept me clothed, fed, etc. and how he moved across the country all for me and how I'm acting like I don't care. No dumbass, I do care, but I also think you act like an asshole sometimes and I'm not gonna sit around and pretend that what you're doing doesn't affect me. Its like he's desperately trying to shut me down and guilt is always his last tactic. Its really annoying. Most of this behavior isn't anything new, this has been going on my whole life, the thing is that it wasn't until recently that I decided to stand up for myself and tell him that I don't think this shit is okay instead of letting him walk all over me because he's upset. I did confront him about it on the way home from the airport one night and it went exactly like I had expected it to. He acted angry and dismissive and tried to guilt me about it when we got back to the apartment, but that time I didn't cower. I actually kept my chin up and kept repeating "Don't back down" in my head over and over until I got back in the apartment and went to sleep. Like I said in the beginning, I understand where this behavior comes from and I'm sympathetic but at the same time I can't just pretend I'm okay with some of this shit. He would seek therapy but he's too busy to get it, so until his schedule frees up enough for him to see a therapist I'm stuck with this shit long into the foreseeable future. I go back to school in two days and I go to boarding school so I won't have to see him very often. I'm now entering my senior year of high school so I'm just an inch away from getting away from him and his insanity. That being said though, despite me having a more established opinion than I used to, sometimes I'm not sure whether or not I'm being unreasonable or not. I'm assuming I'm not for the sake of my sanity, but based on the things I described, am I being an asshole or am I being at least somewhat reasonable? Or is it a mix of both? I guess what I'm looking for is an outside opinion. I don't have a therapist to meet with outside of school so I have to wait until I get back on campus to see the counselor I usually talk to, so this will have to do for now. Thanks for reading this massive text wall. |
| Thierry |
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Normal User
  Level: 108
Posts: 2979/3456 EXP: 13270705 Next: 249794 Since: 03-19-13 Last post: 3 days Last view: 3 days |
this is.. kind of the typical parent behavior in that, since they're the ones teaching you how to live they don't really question themselves. unfortunately, considering his attitude he's going to take criticism as insults, and mock you back in return.
so long as he does not realize this is an issue, he can't understand where you're coming from. from what you said, he's.. filtering what he says, in his head. he always says he's not angry, he didn't mean to mock you, all that stuff. he doesn't see things from an external point of view (like yours) at all. that's all I can tell. as for a therapist, does he seem willing or considering it? you're the one who's thinking of it as an option that would help, but is he?
sounds to me like the reason he's built a wall around himself, to withstand it all. what you need to consider, is that stripping him of it might hurt him. if he's on edge all the time, it's pretty much his last line of defense. you've seen him act badly around you, but said attitude might defend him against much less friendly people out there. I understand it's hard to bear for you, and that he needs help. but this is a sensitive issue where solutions can backfire. it's hard to cast aside your bias, but try to consider things for facts beforehand if you plan on trying anything. just remember, you're not in the wrong if you don't make yourself be. you're not stirring trouble as of now, rather trying to simply live your life. he does have his issues, and you can't just not acknowledge them. |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 428/524 EXP: 624013 Next: 36151 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 520 days Last view: 242 days |
Sorry for the way late response, been busy lately.
Yeah but that doesn't mean it's okay.
I mean yeah that's understandable but they should question themselves when feelings interfere with facts.
When he's angry he really doesn't, which is probably where the mocking comes from..
Yeah, he's mentioned time and time again that he wants to see a therapist but again, he's incapable of saying no to others, so he and I are both fucked.
Could you elaborate on this?
No, he generally treats people with respect even when he encounters ridiculous people. He only really lashes out at me (and sometimes my stepmom, but not often).
Well frankly its better than sitting around and doing nothing.
What do you mean "trying anything?" At this point the only thing I'm "trying" to do is to think freely and stand up for myself for once.
Why is it okay for him to not acknowledge the things I'm saying because he doesn't like to talk about feelings but I'm supposed to just not say anything because he has issues? I think that's bullshit and I won't stand for it. Also, here's an update: This whole thing with me and my dad has been hanging over my head for weeks now and sometimes it keeps me up at night. For years I've daydreamed about physically assaulting him (obviously I would never do that in real life unless he tries to harm me, which I doubt he will) but now it's gotten to the point where I can't stop thinking about how fucked our relationship is. Sometimes I play out scenarios in my head where he and I get incredibly heated and then things suddenly get physical or he tries to pull me out of school because he's offended or something. I want this shit to stop so I'm considering ripping off the bandaid by writing him a thorough and well thought out email expressing ALL my concerns so that he can't interrupt me to insult me or shut me down before hearing my thoughts fully. It would make things pretty awkward for awhile, but I'm in my senior year of high school now; I'm dealing with a big workload, and soon the college process will be in full swing, so I don't need this stress hanging over my head. I may start writing the email today but I won't send it until I've slept on the idea. I don't want to make any irrational decisions, but I'm also getting really tired of this. |
| Thierry |
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Normal User
Level: 108
Posts: 2985/3456 EXP: 13270705 Next: 249794 Since: 03-19-13 Last post: 3 days Last view: 3 days |
seems I had some parts of what you said wrong. sorry if what I said came as insensitive.
I'm not trying to defend your dad. rather to understand why he's acting like this. Posted by Decoy Blimp considering the way he's always spouting excuses to back out of re-thinking his judgement after obviously hurting you verbally, and the fact he seems to believe in said excuses, means he doesn't watch (and much less record) what he says. that's what I meant earlier by "filtering what he says in his head". there's gotta be a reason for this behavior, is what I was thinking at the time. and the only lead I have for this, is him turning this way over time due to people constantly using him. that was a hasty guess, but I don't see anything else. I gotta warn you in advance, the following is not likely of a pleasant read: according to what you said, he's respectful of everybody out there and only lets out stress by lashing at you specifically. in that sense, you may have helped him out over the years without knowing. if you strip him of this toxic way to let his anger out, I have no idea how he's going to let out his bottled feelings. but if you don't, it's you who's hurt. it's a really sad situation for both of you. I don't know if this kind of long-time damage can be reversed through mere talk, so I'm glad he's considering a therapist. whatever reason for that may be. the email idea is good, but I encourage you to spend several days writing it instead of doing it all at once. what you say on the spot often misses the mark and you really want it to be worth the trouble. keep at it until it says everything you've been wishing to let out for so long. absolutely everything. you might as well start writing in a local text file on your desktop or whatnot. it gives off a different feel than a whole email form where the [send] button is pressuring you. lastly, consider writing down seemingly unrelated stuff on your mind as well. if you have no idea how to word things right because all that's been happening for far too many years, that will get you started. |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 433/524 EXP: 624013 Next: 36151 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 520 days Last view: 242 days |
I've been doing some research and I've come to the conclusion that both my parents have exhibited verbally/emotionally abusive behavior for years. I can't believe they've been making me internalize their problems for so long. I feel humiliated.
I want to take a metal baseball bat to everything in their apartment right now. They're lucky I'm 15 miles away from them with no way of getting to the apartment. |
| saltypepper |
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Normal User
  are you okay...? BUSTER WOLF Level: 32
Posts: 137/242 EXP: 193182 Next: 13260 Since: 09-08-17 From: depends Last post: 1112 days Last view: 20 days |
i know i'm definitely not one of the people to try and talk you out of this, considering i've never been in your kind of situation before
but i think you trying to be violent against their own property won't really solve anything. would probably make it worse i know you have tons of anger toward them but i would suggest trying to find something else that would help you let out your anger. maybe beating up a pillow or something i don't exactly know the full story, but in all, i wouldn't suggest trying to be violent to them or their property |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 434/524 EXP: 624013 Next: 36151 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 520 days Last view: 242 days |
I don't plan on it doing it, but boy do I want to, and boy do they fucking deserve it.
I would fuck up my pillow but its the middle of the night and I live in a dorm so I can't make too much noise. At the moment I'm blasting aggressive music in my headphones to try and calm myself down. I've also been pulling at my hair and clenching some rose quartz I have in my room. Forcefully scratching my arm is helping too (I'm not actually damaging my skin, but it does hurt). EDIT: My arms are burning now. Guess the scratching worked. |
| mel |
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Normal User
 Red Paragoomba Level: 17
Posts: 2/61 EXP: 22628 Next: 2115 Since: 09-20-18 Last post: 110 days Last view: 110 days |
Let me put it bluntly. The reason people are seeking in this thread for your parents' abusive behavior is that they suffer from personality disorders, likely. There's no rationalization or excuse for it. It's a harsh reality, but the best solution for your well-being is to stay away from them. You might be interested in the Reddit community, /r/raisedbynarcissists. I am going to be the voice of dissent and say your frustrations are entirely valid and you're well within your rights to feel betrayed and hurt. It's unfair to be abused. That should go without saying. Why wouldn't you be upset? This is a time where voicing my disagreements is necessary. I believe your mental health is at risk, so I can't stay silent seeing other people tell you things like you must acknowledge your dad's problems. You're not obligated to your parents for any reason, let alone if they treat you like garbage. Consider this a long-winded way for me to say, again, your feelings are not misplaced. If you'd like, you're free to private message me at any time. I'm on Discord, too. Take care of yourself. |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 479/524 EXP: 624013 Next: 36151 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 520 days Last view: 242 days |
Today my dad and I met for the first time since school started in September and... it did not go well.
So a couple of weeks ago I confronted my dad about how he's been using fear and intimidation to control me over iMessage. He and I had a conversation about it and I made it very clear that I was very upset with him, but the conversation ended the following day because he didn't want to have this conversation unless it was face to face. I didn't give into that, so we stopped talking about it. Today he came to pick me up so we can have lunch and talk about how school is going, and before we even leave campus he asks me if I want to talk about why I'm upset, to which I said that I didn't want to talk about it. He decides to talk about it anyways and tell me how he's trying to give me space, be a good parent, etc etc but when he would say things I disagree with, I would tell him. He got very upset by me calling him out and the conversation devolved into him crying and talking about how much I've hurt him, at which point I accused him of trying to guilt me (You can believe what you want, but this is clearly manipulative behavior). Of course, he denied this like he denies everything I accuse him of doing. The main highlights of this conversation were the things he said to me. 1. He said I was being out of line, disrespectful, mean and ungrateful. Me being "out of line" is his opinion, so that's whatever. I was not being disrespectful at any point. I never insulted him or raised my voice. I told him how I felt in a calm, rational manner. I was not being mean at any point, once again, I was being honest, and clearly he couldn't handle the truth. Lastly, I wasn't being ungrateful at all. Me having problems with his behavior has absolutely nothing to do with the good things he has done for me (which he most certainly has, I'm not denying that, but the good things he's done does not and will not ever excuse the way he's treated me). I find it rather audacious that he's calling me ungrateful here, its kind of a straw man. 2. He's making me pay him 87 dollars over a mistake I made. So I get my textbooks for school via a service that sends them here, and apparently last year I returned them to the wrong place and they got lost, so my dad was charged 87 dollars. It wouldn't strike me as odd if he had told me he wants me to pay him before the fight happened, but he told me right at the end of the conversation before I got out of the car. I'll pay him the money, I honestly don't give a shit about that, but still, its clear that he just did that because he's mad. 3. He made a vague statement that I find very concerning. After I made it clear how I felt and made it clear that I wasn't going to back down despite my dad trying SO HARD to make me feel like I wronged him, he said "I'm going to have to reconsider how much I'm willing to give." I have no idea what the fuck this means and I should have asked. I don't know if this means he's going to withhold affection, not cover my basic needs, etc. I turn 18 in just over a month, so I'm not too concerned about this and its probably just a hollow threat, but I can't help but wonder what exactly he had in mind. Now, thankfully I have a major support system through all of this. My grandmother on my mother's side is going to take care of a lot of the stuff I haven't been getting (professional help, medication, etc) and I'll be staying with her during school breaks and after I graduate. I plan on taking a gap year after high school to unwind from the last four years of my life and I have no desire to talk to my parents during that time. Whether or not I chose to talk to them after that I don't know yet, but frankly I'm going to do whatever I see fit, because I have a fucking life to live and I don't want to be caught up with my parents' bullshit anymore. For all I care, my dad and my narcissistic stepmother can enable each other for the rest of their days. I want nothing to do with my stepmom's family and I hope to god my dad unfucks himself, but frankly I don't think he ever will. I'm doing better in school than I ever have as of right now, so I'm going to keep working hard and do my best to be the best person I can be. I'm so used to my parents' behavior it doesn't bother me all that much anymore, so they can guilt me and say as many nasty things as they want, but I won't break. |
| ゼンガー・ゾンボルト |
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Normal User
 Roy Koopa My name is Sanger Zonvolt. I am the Sword that cleaves evil! Level: 155
Posts: 6313/7703 EXP: 46385202 Next: 1032018 Since: 01-04-12 From: Sweden Last post: 1270 days Last view: 1233 days |
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| Hālian |
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Normal User
 Level: 50
Posts: 328/569 EXP: 931147 Next: 16170 Since: 01-04-12 From: Central Florida Last post: 2029 days Last view: 1713 days |
Maple Post-o-Matic 9.2 I hate your father.
*offers hugs* ____________________ Layout by Maple. Hoennese Realm Safir Alliance |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 497/524 EXP: 624013 Next: 36151 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 520 days Last view: 242 days |
Posted by Hālian Same. I appreciate the hugs. *Hugs back* |
| Thierry |
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Normal User
Level: 108
Posts: 3117/3456 EXP: 13270705 Next: 249794 Since: 03-19-13 Last post: 3 days Last view: 3 days |
scrap all I said before. it was hardly understandable, confused and uncalled for.
I'm glad you have a chance to get away from your parents. that, and his mindset is clear. he's never, ever going to change. |
| Decoy Blimp |
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Normal User
Level: 45
Posts: 500/524 EXP: 624013 Next: 36151 Since: 06-26-17 From: Maryland Last post: 520 days Last view: 242 days |
Yeah I don't expect him to change. I'm gonna keep contact very low until I can become fully independent from him, at which point I'm going full no contact. |
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