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12-22-24 05:56 AM |
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| Main - The Officer's Club - I don't know if I can do this anymore |
| AtomicAstro |
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Normal User
 Wart Handsome Gentleman Level: 98    
Posts: 1953/3223 EXP: 9499680 Next: 154673 Since: 08-05-17 From: Africa Last post: 1259 days Last view: 1259 days |
I have posted on this forum once before, and in the same way I did previously I will preface this post with this: This post is mostly for my own purposes and just getting some stuff out there. I only picked this particular forum to do it on since, of all the places I frequent, this one I imagine is the most neutral toward my general existence, so it puts me at relative ease. I cannot promise that this will be worth reading at all. There is a good chance I will probably want this whole thing deleted because it's just taking up unnecessary space with my bullshit issues that probably don't even matter in the slightest relative to those of most people. I am probably not worth your time. That being said, if you're just really bored or for some other reason you still wish to read onward, I hope I don't waste too much of your time.
I was walking to school one morning, as per usual, and I saw a bus drive by on the opposite side of the street from where I was. Upon seeing this bus, I visualized myself jumping right in front of it. I thought of just how easy it would be to end everything right then and there. Usually such thoughts would be just that, thoughts. But this time it felt a little different. I felt an urge in that moment, like how if you're hungry you feel an urge to eat, if you're horny you feel an urge for sexual gratification or what have you. I could feel my body motioning itself on its own to head in the direction of that bus, just for a little fraction of a second, until the bus quickly zoomed by. I briefly lamented the fact of how far away that bus was, wishing it could've been on my side of the road instead, and continued walking. I have been feeling more and more similar urges whenever I can think of a way to quickly and painlessly end my life. If I'm sitting in class, I will think of how if I go up the stairs, I could eventually reach the roof. Should I stand atop that roof, I will be at least 3 stories high. That's easily enough to kill a man should they jump off. I will feel a brief urge in that moment to get out of my seat and just start making my way there, but I manage to fight it just well enough to narrowly avoid actually following through with it, especially if doubts pop into my mind such as "Well what if I fall into one of the bushes or trees and it breaks my fall, and I end up surviving in immense pain?" or "How would my family react to the news?" and just things of that nature. The reasons for all of these thoughts are not entirely clear even to myself, and it most likely is not a single reason alone. But the biggest general reason that has remained within my mind for some time now is the simple fact that, as a human being, I am just not good and I will never be able to find success or happiness in life because of that fact. I consistently fall short of everything I want to do. I am not particularly good at anything. Even the things I have practiced for years, such as drawing, I am still not very good at. I have improved over time, and certain things I couldn't draw before do become easier, but it never really feels like I am creating anything as a result of my own skill or merits. I still feel like I struggle to draw things that shouldn't be difficult for me by now. The speed with which I create anything is excruciatingly slow. I take days to make things most people could probably do within a matter of hours. I feel like I have not improved as much as most people who have drawn for as long as I have should. I see so many people pop up all the time who are my age or younger, effortlessly creating things I would struggle for days just to do and probably still not do it nearly as well, and even doing so having drawn for less time than me. When it comes to my creative endeavors, my ideas, my craft, my execution, it's all unbearably mediocre relative to what I want it to be and what everyone else can do. It's not just my creative endeavors in which I fall short. I am a legal adult as of this year and I still lack the ability to do basic things. I have no drivers license and little driving experience in general to speak of, and I have no job or work experience either since I chose not to do those in favor of spending my free time doing my little art studies and creative projects at home and focusing on my own personal things. I am fairly confident I would not be able to do even simple fast food or retail jobs since they require speaking and some level of social activity with other humans, another basic human skill that I fall terribly short in. Despite me choosing to make time to pursue my creative endeavors, I often do a terrible job of it. I very rarely ever accomplish everything I set out to. I often get frustrated and just put whatever I'm doing down entirely for a while and just play video games for an hour or two instead, and then I'll go back to it only to continue to get frustrated. The worst case of this is a game I've been developing recently. I've managed to slowly get more and more of it done as time has gone on, with this being about how far I am now. (visuals are placeholder, which is why the game looks uglier than sin at the moment) I often get frustrated because I'm trying to fix issues within the game. I'll try all sorts of solutions that end up failing, and I end up getting frustrated because I feel like I'm making no progress. It makes me want to work on this game less and less just because every time I do I seemingly get nothing done. While these issues do eventually end up getting fixed by whatever solution I come up with, and there is also the factor of me being not the most amazing or experienced programmer, it is no less demoralizing. In general my consistent failures on a daily basis just make me feel like the lowest sack of shit on the planet. My consistent inability to get what I want done, my general failures in doing practical life things, all of it just eats at me. But perhaps the worst of all is my consistent failures in regard to interpersonal interaction. At the very least my failures in art and general life don't affect anybody but myself. My social failures are actively witnessed by and actively affecting someone else, which makes it ten times worse. At first I just boiled it down to me just not being very good with people, but as I've gone on I've begun to think that perhaps it's just that I'm not a very good person in general. As a child I would always try desperately to win the approval of those around me. Whenever I didn't receive it, I would get angry and start acting like a massive asshole. I would fantasize about my vengeance against these other kids who rejected me despite the fact that their reasons for disliking me were mostly pretty valid, since in general I was just an annoying, insufferable suck-up loser who just demanded attention and validation despite doing nothing to deserve it. Back in 2015 or so, I used to be part of a specific art/animation community since that was when I really started sharing my creations to the world. I was very happy to be accepted among this community because I was familiar with them and really liked the idea of having fellow artist friends who would be willing to help and support me and just hang out with in general. I had talked about this in another thread in greater detail, but at a certain point I got into a massive argument with my mother since she didn't approve of the nature of the art I was interested in. She ended up telling me that I am morally wrong for creating and enjoying the things that I do and that I will never be accepted by society if I continue down this path. I harbor no ill-will toward my mother for saying this, I'm sure she meant well, but I felt so hurt by that at the time. As a result my attitude changed for the worse, and I started making inane rants about how much the world sucks and all that. I started to look down on the people in my real life, because they'll never compare to the cool internet friends that understand me. But eventually, one of the people within this circle finally had enough of my emo horseshit, and called me out on it. He was joined by many people who at the time I had considered my "cool internet friends". Plenty of people cut ties with me. I had never felt lower in my life, because I realized they were completely right in doing so. I had been an insufferable, negative asshole and everything they said was right. I went to bed that night not wanting to wake up ever again. This is far from the only case of me just being a negative dickhead. After that incident, I had a brief phase where I would go around trolling and bullying young artists because I couldn't stand seeing how happy they were as they were posting their art, making friends and just having a general good time. I also thought in general that it was cool to be mean. Even at the time I often felt bad for what I did, but I decided to keep at it anyway since it's too late for me to back down and start being nice or something. I haven't done anything like that in years, but I always feel horrible about what I did looking back on it. I've thought a lot about maybe reaching out to some people and trying to patch things up, but decided against it. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, I always end up being a general human detritus, even to people I like and respect. Some of you may remember a particular incident in which I took some images from the "photo album" thread on here, and made some edits to them that I thought were funny at the time. I had no ill intention with this, at the time I thought I was just making a funny joke, but it shouldn't have been that hard to figure out why it was a terrible idea. I mean, the photo album thread was in the Lt. general forum, which requires you to be logged in. That alone should have been a decent enough indicator that those who post pictures there probably don't wish for said pictures to be redistributed or edited in any way, but somehow I didn't get the hint. This almost got me permanently banned, and looking back I honestly wish sometimes that Nicole had stuck with her initial decision. I haven't gotten that incident out of my head since. It's especially bad since I genuinely do like the people here and wish the best for all of them, but I often feel like an ex-convict posting on here after having done that. This doesn't just extend to internet communities. In general whenever I have tried to interact with people in my real life I always mess up somehow. It's a big part of why I've sort of grown up to prefer solitude over being around other humans generally, and why I've mostly avoided talking to people as of late both online and offline. I mostly spend my time in solitude, with my only real desire at this point to peacefully (well, as peacefully as I can considering the constant frustration and failure I experience) go about my little creative projects at home. But each day I can't help but feel like I could never become better. No, I don't feel like that. I know it. I know how much of a piece of human garbage I am, always was, and always will be. Every day, not only do my current failures nag at me, but so do my past ones. Every asshole thing I've ever done or said to someone, every project I failed to realize, every single thing I've ever done wrong. I just know that this is how it will always be because I am a terrible human being. Whenever I'm in school, taking a walk, looking through internet communities or whatever, I always look at how much happier, healthier and more successful everyone else is than me and it makes me angry. I don't like admitting this given how pathetic it is, but considering the whole subject of this thread is basically picking me apart for just about every shit aspect of myself I may as well. I have developed some strategies for coping with all of this. I have several plush toys that constantly sit beside my pillow on my bed. I have developed an attachment to them over time. Even just looking at their adorable faces makes me very happy. These plush toys, unlike myself and reality in general... they're just so innocent. And soft too. Whenever I have these feelings, my first instinct is to rush to my bed, grab one or several of them, and just start hugging them as hard as I can. Sometimes it even makes me cry. I have grown to have an immense appreciation for cute things in general. Often times if I'm out and about and see some birds or squirrels or bunnies or something it makes me smile. I've also paid much closer attention to nature in general lately. I often find peace in just the trees or plants around me. I think those things are representative in some way of the reality I want but I know I could never have because I'm simply no good as a person. I think about it and I think, is there really anyone out there who would really be missing anything if I wasn't here? All I've managed to do in my life so far is be either an annoyance or just a general loser. The government expends tax dollars to provide me services. My family expend their own income to keep me alive. Plants and animals give their own lives just so mine can continue. What do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing. And the more I think of the people I would consider friends (or at least people I like), the more I think "I get so much out of this person, but what do they get out of having me around?" and I come to the conclusion that I need these people more than they could ever need me. I like this site for example. I like the people here. I enjoy the presence of everyone on this site. There are so many cool, interesting, and skilled people here. But just coming on here makes me sort of sad to an extent, since I know for a fact that nobody here really needs me to be here. I'd not say that normally as I feel it comes off as sympathy-seeking. I utterly detest the idea of coming across that way, but it's really how I feel about not just this place, but all the people in my life. I'm able to be fine with all of these things in my head whenever things are convenient. But that means nothing. Everyone is cool when things are convenient. The true measure of a person's character is how they respond to times of challenge. Whenever any sort of challenge pops up in my life, or things get somewhat hectic, I can hardly muster the will to do anything. Not necessarily out of pure laziness, but because with all of these thoughts and feelings in my head 24/7 I just think "why bother?". This is why I know I will fail. I lack the strength to face the necessary obstacles to succeed and find happiness in life because I am a weak, cowardly man. I avoid people out of fear. I avoid the world in general out of fear. I'm terrified of even the most basic things, such as driving a car, talking to people, all the stuff that people my age should be able to do somewhat well by now. There are people out in third world countries who fear far worse things than me who can survive. Those people are strong. I am not and I will never be. And when that day comes when I've had enough, I don't know how much I'll be able to do to stop myself from throwing myself in front of a bus. I am fairly certain nobody will read this giant paragraph of bullshit, which is fine. I don't expect much. I just really wanted to say all of this stuff somewhere. I imagine most people will probably lose what little potential respect they may have had for me as a human being upon reading this stuff, and I'm fine with it. This is another reason why I chose this place specifically. Since I don't imagine most people think exceptionally highly of me here, I don't imagine anyone's opinion was brought much lower either. Whatever the case, and regardless of what anyone's opinion is of me afterward, I figured maybe there could be some value in venting this stuff somewhere. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm not. I apologize if this post came off as unnecessarily long-winded, melodramatic, or whatever else. My biggest worry is that this post might come off as disingenuous or manipulative in some way. I hope that's not the case, I've tried to be as honest as I can here but I have no clue how anyone will perceive this. If I have come across in any way like that, I'm sorry. That is all. ____________________ Giant Paratroopa Affected by 'Wooster Syndrome' ++++!! Handsome Gentleman 7/23/18 |
| Robbie Rage |
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Normal User
 Boomerang Brother Fueled by Board Nostalgia and Old Memes Level: 130
Posts: 5601/6020 EXP: 25375403 Next: 355174 Since: 11-22-16 From: New Jersey, USA Status: Not even mad. Since: 2001 Last post: 965 days Last view: 100 days |
Posted by AtomicAstro Well, you're wrong about that, at least. I read this giant paragraph of bullshit. I'm also inclined to wonder what else you might be wrong about... You mentioned that this post was for your own purposes. In the time since you've posted this, how do you feel now? Has it helped to get all these feelings out there like this? What other sources of support do you have in your life? Are any of these sources people you believe could help you sort through all these thoughts and feelings? I'm not asking you these questions to receive answers, but to encourage you to seek out those people in your world, who are willing and able to help you work through all of this. If any friends, teachers, or family in your life who don't seem safe or reliable to assist you with this, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who can. They do exist; I know this firsthand. Another thing I know firsthand are the consequences of suicide. I've experienced it more times than I care to to know that there are always, always more people who miss you left behind than you realize. Your life matters, and you should stay. Period. I'm saying all this right now because I care about your well being as much as a rando on an obscure obsolete message board can. I hereby challenge your conclusions about you and your life, and I encourage you to do the same. Take whatever hope you have, and seek out the help you deserve. Thanks for reading, and for posting. |
| AtomicAstro |
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Normal User
Wart Handsome Gentleman Level: 98
Posts: 1954/3223 EXP: 9499680 Next: 154673 Since: 08-05-17 From: Africa Last post: 1259 days Last view: 1259 days |
Posted by Robbie RagePosted by AtomicAstro Well, glad to know this was somewhat coherent at the very least. I'm not gonna lie, upon first posting this I was anxious as all hell and I thought I was making things ultimately worse for myself in the end, or that I was just setting myself up for people to hate me or something. The very fact that you read this and replied alone and that you don't seem to think any less of me for this stuff makes me happy. As far as people in my life, I've thought about seeking out therapists but my family is skeptical about the idea of that stuff. My mom in particular thinks that she's just gonna blow a lot of money on some bullshit therapy in which they'll just give me drugs to shut me up or something. And honestly, I can't blame her, because I fear the same thing. I talked to a friend of mine in real life about some of this stuff yesterday, and I felt a tad better after that. I wouldn't say I feel entirely good, I still feel as though I'm not adequate to continue facing the world and still feel as though eventually it will end as I think it will, but I feel somewhat better. The biggest thing is, I just really don't want to hear things like "suck it up" or "just don't be a pussy". And I am friends with plenty of people that I am very well aware that, if I were to bring these thoughts up, they would give me responses along those lines. No disrespect to them as people or anything, and I guess if what I said previously in this thread is anything to go by I guess I am just a pussy, but that is the last thing I want to hear at this point. Another thing is, I'm not even sure I really can be helped, or if I am worth helping. I always just feel like no matter what help I get I'll still ultimately continue to screw things up because I'm just not very good in general. Some people are just better than others, and I've been consistently sure beyond any reasonable doubt that I am one of the lesser ones for a long time now. I just really wish I was good enough to matter to the people I care about. That's where I currently stand. Thank you for replying though, legitimately. I wasn't joking when I said I didn't expect anyone to read my post, let alone reply. ____________________ Giant Paratroopa Affected by 'Wooster Syndrome' ++++!! Handsome Gentleman 7/23/18 |
| Robbie Rage |
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Normal User
Boomerang Brother Fueled by Board Nostalgia and Old Memes Level: 130
Posts: 5611/6020 EXP: 25375403 Next: 355174 Since: 11-22-16 From: New Jersey, USA Status: Not even mad. Since: 2001 Last post: 965 days Last view: 100 days |
Posted by AtomicAstro This is a pretty common concern. Fortunately, it's also quite a bit of a misnomer. To clarify, only a psychiatrist can prescribe medications for a diagnosable condition. A great many therapists out there work from a perspective of getting to know you first, and only suggesting medication until absolutely nesscessary. Most people simply don't need (or in my opinion, benefit very much from) meds alone. Any therapist worth a damn (or with any heart at all) won't just tell you you're a pussy , or to "suck it up". They will understand that these issues aren't so black and white, and will not treat them as such. Assuming you're in the United States, many of them will take insurance as well, so your parents might be a little less worried about "wasting money". Look for any therapist who can help with issues of anxiety, depression, or grief, and they should be able to work with you. I personally suggest someone with an LCSW, LPC, or LMFT credential, as I've had some good experiences with those sorts of professionals in particular. Good luck. |
| AtomicAstro |
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Normal User
Wart Handsome Gentleman Level: 98
Posts: 1962/3223 EXP: 9499680 Next: 154673 Since: 08-05-17 From: Africa Last post: 1259 days Last view: 1259 days |
Posted by Robbie RagePosted by AtomicAstro If you mean health insurance by insurance I actually don't have that, so she will be spending money for sure. I'll definitely be looking though, never really knew where but I have some ideas now. Thanks. ____________________ Giant Paratroopa Affected by 'Wooster Syndrome' ++++!! Handsome Gentleman 7/23/18 |
| Robbie Rage |
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Normal User
Boomerang Brother Fueled by Board Nostalgia and Old Memes Level: 130
Posts: 5617/6020 EXP: 25375403 Next: 355174 Since: 11-22-16 From: New Jersey, USA Status: Not even mad. Since: 2001 Last post: 965 days Last view: 100 days |
Posted by AtomicAstro In which case, you should know that there also exist clinicians who offer "sliding scale", aka lower rates per session for uninsured clients. If you find a good therapist, you might want to ask if they can do something for you like that. |
| AtomicAstro |
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Normal User
Wart Handsome Gentleman Level: 98
Posts: 1964/3223 EXP: 9499680 Next: 154673 Since: 08-05-17 From: Africa Last post: 1259 days Last view: 1259 days |
Posted by Robbie RagePosted by AtomicAstro Huh, alright. I'll definitely talk with my mom about it sometime soon then. Hope we can find something. I just really hope she doesn't go "ah you don't need that" or something again. ____________________ Giant Paratroopa Affected by 'Wooster Syndrome' ++++!! Handsome Gentleman 7/23/18 |
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