Might as well post this on the actual board. I linked it on IRC a while back. It's my own take on Saturday Night Live's "Celebrity Jeopardy!" skits from back in the day, with more modern celebrities (and the inevitable Connery).

Rated NC-17.


Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy!. I would like to reassure everyone in the audience that all three of our contestants now have clothes on. That said, let's take a look at the scores. In second place, we have Stephenie Meyer, with -$17900.

Stephenie Meyer: Could you please suck my blood? I think it's hot.

Alex Trebek: For the last time, no. In last place is Justin Bieber, with a new Jeopardy! record, with -$1860500.

Justin Bieber: That's because I am the most talented singer! I know because a 12-year-old girl told me! By the way, what's this funny line in front of my score for?

Alex Trebek: That's a negative sign. And, in first place, *sigh* Sean Connery, with $2.49. Wait, $2.49? How did you get cents?

Sean Connery: I have plenty o' sense, you rogue! You know what doesn't make sense?

Alex Trebek: No...

Sean Connery: How is it, that your mother is so sexy, and you are so ugly?

Alex Trebek: ...OK, it's time for Double Jeopardy!. The categories are:
POTENT POTABLES,
THE DAY AFTER THURSDAY,
FAMOUS BOBS,
IS THIS JUSTIN BIEBER?, in this category, a picture of someone or something will be shown, and you must tell whether or
not it is Justin Bieber. Moving on,
VERY SIMPLE MATH,
HOW MANT FEET DO YOU HAVE?, and finally,
COUNTRIES THAT END IN "EXICO".

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, you are in the lead, so you may select a category.

Sean Connery: I'll take Famous Boobs for $600.

Alex Trebek: It's not "Famous Boobs", Mr. Connery. It's famous people who are named Bob. Let's instead go with COUNTRIES THAT END IN "EXICO" for $800. And the clue is: Mexico City is the capital of this country.

*The contestants just look around in bewilderment.*

Alex Trebek: I can't believe this. Nobody knows the answer?

*Justin Bieber rings in.*

Alex Trebek: Finally! Mr. Bieber?

Justin Bieber: Um...Europe?

Alex Trebek: No. Europe is not a country.

*Stephenie Meyer rings in.*

Alex Trebek: Yes? Stephenie Meyer?

Stephenie Meyer: I really think he's right.

Alex Trebek: No, he's not right! The correct answer was Mexico. Mexico City is the capital of Mexico! Mr. Connery, it's still your board.

Sean Connery: Famous Boobs for $1000!

Alex Trebek: That is not a category! It's Famous Bobs! Justin Bieber, why don't you pick instead? May I suggest the category "IS THIS JUSTIN BIEBER?"?

Justin Bieber: For how much?

Alex Trebek: You are supposed to tell me how much.

Justin Bieber: OK, how about a quarter? That's a lot of money, right?

Alex Trebek: How about $400? Here is your clue.

*The contestants are shown an image of a coat hanger.*

Alex Trebek: Is this coat hanger Justin Bieber? Yes or no?

*Justin Bieber rings in.*

Justin Bieber: Yes! That's me!

*Alex Trebek bangs his head on the podium a couple of times in exasperation.*

Alex Trebek: That is incorrect. Anyone else?

*Sean Connery rings in.*

Alex Trebek: Yes, Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: I have something to ask Stephenie over there.

Alex Trebek: Sure, what is it?

Sean Connery: Stephenie, can I rape you?

Stephenie Meyer: Of course you can rape me! I love when big powerful men with huge dicks treat me like shit! I wrote a whole series of books about it!

Alex Trebek: ENOUGH! We have a game to play! Mr. Connery, you should be ashamed of yourself!

Sean Connery: I'm sure your mother would have agreed to it just fine!

Alex Trebek: Whatever! Mr. Bieber, pick a category.

Justin Bieber: "Very Simple Math" for $30000.

Alex Trebek: All right then, VERY SIMPLE MATH for, let's say, $400. And the clue is: 0 x 0.

*Justin Bieber rings in.*

Justin Bieber: 7?

Alex Trebek: No.

*Stephenie Meyer rings in.*

Stephenie Meyer: What is...fish sticks?

Alex Trebek: No!

Sean Connery: I got a stick for you!

Alex Trebek: All right, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy!. The category is PERSONAL NAMES. All you must do to win is write down a name of a person. Any person at all, real or fiction. For instance, Bob, or Mary, or Joe, or even Nevaeh. Anything that is a name.

*Think music plays*

Alex Trebek: All right, time is up. Time's up! Stephenie Meyer, let's see what you wrote:

*Screen is blank.*

Alex Trebek: You gave no answer. And your wager?

[My soul]

Alex Trebek: You wagered your soul. I see. Justin Bieber, what about you? You wrote:

[Shorty]

Alex Trebek: I'm sorry, but "Shorty" is not a personal name.

Justin Bieber: Sure it is, shorty! [singing off-key] Baby, baby, thought you'd always be mine...

Alex Trebek: Shut up! Mr. Connery, let's see your answer. The category was PERSONAL NAMES, and you wrote:

[Alex]

Alex Trebek: "Alex"! That is a personal name! We have a winner! That is all the time that we have...

Sean Connery: Wait, Trebek, don't you want to see what I wagered?

Alex Trebek: I don't know, should I?

Sean Connery: Yes,...my friend.

Alex Trebek: OK,...Sean. Let's take a look.

[Trebek has sex with dogs]

Alex Trebek: All right, I walked right into that one. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy!. I will be going to sleep in the middle of the freeway. Good night!

____________________

'Cause when you've given up,
When no matter what you do it's never good enough,
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
That's when you feel my kind of love.