Alaurastory - JULIUS CAESAR BUT STUPIDER

THE TRAGEDY OF ALAURA WHO IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT JULIUS CAESAR IN DISGUISE
(or TTOAWIMDNJCID)

IF YOU HAVEN'T READ "THE TRAGEDY OF JULIUS CAESAR" THEN
YOU PROBABLY WON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS STORY.
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There was a large nation named First World that lots of people lived in,
that was really cool so everyone wanted in. IT WAS NOT ROME, SHUT UP!!!!!
(disclaimer: it wasn't actually that cool)

It was ruled by an anthro fox made of SOLID GOLD who had a rainbow beard.
Said fox was named $Dekoa.

He was actually pretty incompetent at ruling but because he was nice to his
people and never passed any especially dumb laws.

One day a VERY SWEET young wolfess showed up at $Dekoa's house named Alaura.
who acted all cute and loving and asked to be a princess
Alaura: "oh hi mister $dekoa sir can I be a princess or something"
$Dekoa: "Yeah Sure That's Fine With Me"
and $dekoa COULD NOT SAY NO TO THE CUTIE. SO ALAURA WAS PUT IN POWER. FUCK!!!

Alaura would NOT let $dekoa rule his way and pretty much TOOK OVER
(basically, $dekoa was left as the person who just did all the WORK and
protected the princess)
and he was fine with that because he was not willing to stand up for himself.
WHAT IS A FOX OF GOLD TO DO!???
absolutely nothing, that's what!!!!

While $Dekoa was simply incompetent at being a king, Alaura was widely regarded
as the WORST RULER EVER. she was very emotional and very spoiled
(and would have dekoa bring her DELICIOUS CAKES to nom on).
every week she would blow something completely out of proportion to complain
about (THAT WAS USUALLY HER FAULT), and since she acted like her problems
concerned ALL of First World, they were referred to as First World Problems (lol)
by the population of First World and the neighboring nations.

Most recently:
<Alaura> Fuck my parents, fuck them to fucking god damn hell
<Alaura> I'm fucking pissed at them
<Alaura> Because they buy my fucking little sister a iphone
<Alaura> And they get me a fucking blackberry
<Alaura> God fuck them

reporter Inaba the bunny would often remark "sounds like a personal problem"
in his newspaper "KOOL RADICAL FIRST WORLD PROBLEMZ".

one day alaura got a call on the phone from Raven from "That's So Raven"
Raven: "BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH"
Alaura: "who the fuck r u"
Raven: "BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and alaura hung up and then promptly made farting illegal

There was a small neighboring nation of AWESOME FART (SECOND WORLD!!!!)
(ruled by the Princess of the Internet hirself, Princess Nova the squirrel),
which was generally regarded as a very peaceful and awesome place to live.

AWESOME FARTISTS made fun of the childishness of PRINCESS ALAURA, which made her
very angry, SO SHE BLEW IT OUT OF PROPORTION AND secretely plotted to nuke.
OF COURSE, SINCE SHE HAS TO WHINE ABOUT EVERY PROBLEM, IT WAS NOT VERY SECRET.
so everyone knew about it. (even the AWESOMER FARTISTS. OOPS)
BUT SHE INTENDED TO NUKE ANYWAY!!! (or said she did, anyway)

after it was discovered that alaura in fact had no nukes and was only bluffing,
ALESSA FROM THIRD WORLD (poopland) who was allied with Alaura sent over some.

now Alaura had become A SERIOUS THREAT, a condition WHICH NOBODY APPROVED OF
(not even $dekoa or Alaura's "boyfriend" $vince)
IT WAS DECIDED THAT SHE HAD TO BE STOPPED.

$Vince (commie shamwow salesman fox) and $Raiven (possumsnake; often fdrink =w=)
and $TCD (GAY DEER, AKA A STAGGOT) sat down together at a TABLE in private. also there
was a radioactive coyote named $Ezno.

$Vince: "ALAURA MUST BE STOPPED!!!!"
$Ezno: "SHE MUST DIE!!!!!!"
$TCD: "you're not ganon! SORRY"
$Ezno: "OH OOPS, LOL"
$Raiven: "yeah I guess but uh ISN'T $DEKOA PROTECTING HER?"
$Ezno: "SHIT FORGOT ABOUT THAT"
$Vince: "WELL UH, ISN'T $DEKOA SOLID GOLD?!??!?"
$Ezno: "WHY YES HE IS"
$Vince: "I HAVE A PLAN, LET'S GET INDIANA JONES"
$Vince: "AND HE'LL STEAL $DEKOA FOR MONEYS"
$Raiven: "and then once alaura's unprotected..."
$TCD: "... THEN RAIVEN AND I CAN GO MAKE HER MUST DIE"
$Raiven: "honey u need to work on ur grammar"
$TCD: "sorry babe"

$Raiven: "LET'S DO THIS ON MARCH 15TH FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON"
$Ezno: "sure okay"
they were actually quiet about it and KEPT IT SECRET
but alessa was spying on them and knew about it

she didn't hear all of it though

somehow $Ezno got Alaura's phone number (some say Princess Nova gave it out)
and was texting her constantly (FILLING HER WITH RAGE)
so much that eventually she grew tired of it and shut off her phone

tragically, right after this, alessa tried to send alaura a text
warning her of the danger, but the phone was off

(so she didn't know!) <3

however alessa did tell guards to be on the lookout for INDIANA JONES
(they did NOT take her seriously.........)

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------- THE IDES OF MARCH
-------------------------
the conspirators got together
$TCD: "wait honey"
$Raiven: "yes?"
$TCD: "uhhhh this is oddly similar to THE TRAGEDY OF JULIUS CAESAR"
$Raiven: "this has something to do with your ROMAN EMPIRE FETISH, doesn't it?"
$TCD: "I'M AFRAID SO"

$Raiven: "okay honey!!!!" :3
so $Raiven dressed up as Cinna and $TCD dressed up as Cassius,
and $Vince dressed up as Brutus and $Ezno dressed up as JULIUS CAESAR!

$Ezno ran into alaura's house and FARTED illegally, and ran out, causing every
single policeman in First World to chase after him!!!!!! right out of the house
$Ezno: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA U CAN'T GET ME"
police: "OH YES WE CAN, FARTS R ILLEGAL NOW!!!"
and they stumbled across Illinois Jones and thought he was the Indiana Jones that
Alessa had warned them about, and captured him!!!!!!!! (Illinois is right by Indiana)
SO THEY WERE REALLY BUSY, AND COULD NOT PROTECT ALAURA, OKAY? (leaving $dekoa)

so indiana jones GOT SIGNAL to go in alaura's house
$Dekoa: "oh good heavens get out of here"
and indiana jones STOLE THE GOLD $DEKOA FOX!!!!!!!!!
AND RAN OFF
so alaura was unprotected
Alaura: "Hello?"

------
$Raiven and $TCD and $Vince ran to Alaura's house next
and nobody knew who they were because of the costumes

and $Vince went in alone (remember he was still alaura's "boyfriend")
$Vince: "hey honey how's about we order a pizza today

"
Alaura: "that sounds delightful!!!!!! wait who r u"
and vince took the costume off
Alaura: "OH IT'S MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!"

but suddenly $TCD and $Raiven busted in (without costumes)
$Raiven: "hey ALAURA im fdrink =w="
Alaura: "HEY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE"
and being the AWESOMER FARTISTS they were
the trio made a HUGE ILLEGAL COMBINED PERIWINKLE FART

SO ALAURA IS LIKE, DYING from the smell
Alaura: "EVEN YOU, VINCE!?!?!?!!?!? UR MY BF!!!!" ;_;

and Alaura BEGIN TO CRYING
$Vince: "LOL NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and then she died

so uh
they all ran away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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--- A FEW DAYS LATER
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the people of First world and Second world were happy but
the people of Third world were angry SPECIFICALLY ALESSA MOST OF ALL.

inaba the reporter had newspapers and was all
Inaba: "EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT alaura dies DUE TO FARTS, EXTRA EXTRA"

this had really upset GreyMaria though for some reason even though he hated alaura!!
he was out AND ABOUT in First World (MAYBE HE HAD A CRUSH ON ALAURA, I DUNNO)
and saw Raven from "That's So Raven"
GM: "hey weren't u one of the people who killed alaura"
Raven: "what the FUCK, no, that would be Raiven, not Raven"
GM: "FUCK IT im so pissed right nao. AAAAAAAAAARGH"
Raven: "oh shit I'm having a vision of doritos"
GM: "what"
Raven: "OH GOD THEY'RE EVERYWHERE"
GM: "goodness gracious woman U NEED SPECIAL HELP"
so GM punched raven and WENT ON HIS WAY

ALESSA WAS ABSOLUTELY ENRAGED and mad at the awesome fartists for awesomely farting...
...a fart that way too excellent for alaura, APPARENTLY.

First World pretty much FELL APART since THE PRINCESS WAS GONE, AND THE KING
WAS STOLEN BY INDIANA JONES. WHO WOULD BE THE NEW RULER!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?
it was decided there would be a VOTE and PRESIDENTS and stuff.

SO OF COURSE OBAMA WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT
but also RON PAULGUY BUNYAN REVERE. (RON PAUL + PAULGUY + PAUL BUNYAN + PAUL REVERE)
(this story takes place in some point in time before obamastory so
the people don't know he's such a crappy president yet SO HE STILL HAS A CHANCE!!)

MEANWHILE ron paul bunyan revere was visiting Third World,
and there was a pixie with him named Dubious
and went in to check on Alessa, but she wasn't home.
Instead there was a note: "GONNA GO TAKE OVER First World, BRB!"
and it had a cellphone number underneath it, and it was VIRGIN MOBILE.

so NOW everything was suddenly clear to him
apparently Alaura wasn't really evil as much as she was an attention whore
and it was actually Alessa that was evil
and IT WAS ALL A PLOT BY ALESSA TO GAIN POLICITAL POWER!!!!!!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHA
Ron: "dubious it's all a plot by alessa to gain political power"
Ron: "I'm gonna go warn the peoples"
Dubious: "sure okay, while you do that I'll go sneak into a phone sex company"

Ron: "WHAT THE FUCK DUBIOUS, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS"
Dubious: "no, I have a plan"
Ron: "A STUPID ONE"

Dubious ran off and snuck into a phone sex company unauthorized
and it was easy since he was so tiny and unnoticeable.

immediately ron paul put on a jetpack or something
AND FLEW TO FIRST WORLD VERY EPICALLY
Ron: "THE ALESSAS R CUMMING!!!!! THE ALESSAS R CUMMING!!!!!"
and he crashed into a building in First World
Ron: "oops"
but he wasn't hurt!!!!
so he got up, and organized another meeting of $TCD, $Ezno, $Vince, and $Raiven.
------------
Ron: "okay so we're in just as much danger as before"
$TCD: "BUT UH, WE GOT RID OF ALAURA!!!! IT SHOULD BE FIXED!!!"
Ron: "Alaura was a harmless attention whore. ALESSA, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS TAKING OVER"
$TCD: "wait what how did you know"
Ron: "there was a NOTE and stuff"
$Raiven: "wait so we got the wrong person and alaura was innocent!?!?!???"
Ron: "YES. BUT SHE WAS ANNOYING, I GUESS, SO IT MAY HAVE BEEN JUSTIFIED"
$Raiven: ;_;

Ron: "okay, it WAS completely unnecessary and sad"

Ron: "but how do we defend First World against alessa!?!?"
$TCD: "I know just the guy ;D"

so $TCD called Gunkitty on the phone (who is a tiger, with a badass hat)
(phone)$TCD: "hey we need supplies and stuff to fight alessa"
(phone)Gunkitty: "why don't I just come over there and do it myself"
(phone)$TCD: "I DUNNO WHY DON'T YOU"
(phone)Gunkitty: "FINE, GEEZ"
so gunkitty went on his way

and ALESSA SHOWED UP AT THE DOOR of whatever place $TCD, $Ezno, $Vince, and $Raiven
were hanging out in, with a GUN!!!!!!

Alessa: "OH HI!!!"
$TCD: "ALESSA!!!!!!!"
Alessa: "yes, it's me!" ._.
Alessa: "it was all a HUGE PLOT FOR POLITICAL POWER"
Alessa: "now the king's out of the way and I'm free to take over, just as I planned"

Alessa: "but nobody can know about this so I'm gonna have to shoot you" :3
------ in the phone sex place ----
Dubious got one of the phones and called Alessa!!!!
Dubious: "hey alessa, how about we have phone sex?" ;D
----- in the meeting room ----
Alessa: "oh hey I got a new call, lemme get tha-"
AND THE PHONE BLEW UP IMMEDIATELY AND KILLED ALESSA BUT
IT DID NOT HURT ANYONE ELSE.

Ron: "oh god"
$Raiven: "um, what just happened???!?"
Ron: "she had virgin mobile as her service provider"
Ron: "and Dubious called her from a phone sex place"
Ron: "IT CAN'T BE *VIRGIN* MOBILE IF IT'S HAD SEX, SO THERE WAS AN EXPLOSION"
Ron: "it wasn't as huge a reaction as you'd get from like, dividing by zero, but STILL"

(phone)Gunkitty: "okay what the FUCK you didn't even hang up on me"
(phone)$TCD: "oh oops!!! WELL, YOU DON'T NEED TO COME HERE NOW I GUESS!!!!"
and $TCD hung up

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So it was ELECTIONS TIME for presidents and stuff
and only one person voted (Ron Paulguy Bunyan Revere) himself
and he voted for HIMSELF (how surprising)

AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO BOTHERED TO VOTE
SO HE WON!!!

-------to be continued if I ever decide to write RonPaulStory---------
<hs_maxim> the important thing is that ron paul will turn america into bioshock

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