Posts by Arisotura - Kafuka Boards

This isn't meant to be a pity party or whatever. Just a bunch of things I have to let out.

You may know that a few months ago, I wanted to go job-hunting. I grew really sick of the univ and their shenanigans, and I have a sufficient level to get a job.

As far as family relations go, things went sour. Dad's unability to support or comfort people, combined with mom's legendary ability to imagine the worst scenarios possible, made them imagine I would just live off of them forever, and eventually resulted in a bad misunderstanding.

We're renovating our house. I always like helping with that whenever I can, I enjoy this kind of work. For a while, there was work to be done, so I would often discuss some possible work with mom so I could do things during my free time.

But of course, once I was on my job hunting mission, things were less nice. I brought up potential work, the reply was basically "what are you doing unimportant hobby crap you must seek for a job and do it every waking hour of your life". Of course dad jumped in too, because surprise, not knowing what I think, they assumed I wanted to spend all my time doing house work.

Eventually that crap was solved. I decided to go back to univ, to try getting more chances of getting a good job. But also as a temporary solution to make life at home sustainable.

Eventually I will have to seek for a job 'for real', and this kind of crap will happen again. With maybe mom watching me or demanding I give her precise details about my job search (and bitching about how it's not enough for her).

So, back to univ. Some exams didn't go well and I will need to work hard to compensate. Mom gives me advice: work on it 30 minutes a day from now on (the compensatory exams are in May or June, at the end of the year).

It's not that I like slacking off, but I feel that starting to work on these things too early is a waste of time, because I don't like the things and I'll have forgotten them too early. For example, all the crap I had to learn in high school to pass, well... most of it is long forgotten.

But mom's advice basically means "you do it my way, period". Her way which is "work on it every waking hour of your life or you're a lazy failure". I have tried to argue against this shit countless times, and it's always the same old pointless argument. You guess that this kind of shit is why my future job seeking adventures are going to be hell.

I chose to avoid a hundred more pointless arguments and pretend I'm doing things her way. As long as she sees nothing, that makes her happy... right?

This is where things are going to be less nice. We got the results for the first semester, and it's a fucking trainwreck. Not even half the students passed. You can guess which side I'm on...

Some of the grades I got are so bad that it's not even compensable , unless I bribed some teachers maybe. The really terrible one was the database class. Worst. Class. Ever. No no, it's not about how to make good SQL queries and good table design like you'd expect from a database course... it's all about "here's a query, guess what the database engine does internally". Pointless unless you want to work for Oracle. (and what if someone designs a database engine that does things differently?)

So I'm going to fail. I'm not even being pessimistic, my chances of success there are close to none.

Mom seems to give too much importance to my success at univ. As an example, conversation that happened a while ago:

mom: "should think about presents, my birthday is coming..."
me: "well a possible present is yadda yadda yadda", some chatter about things
mom: "a good present would be if you passed this year"

So okay, we're having a regular conversation and you bring the topic back to univ... cool...

but also, what is that sentence supposed to mean?

"you're passing this year for me, if you don't pass you're a worthless failure"?

"passing would be a guarantee that you're not going to live off of us forever"?

... nothing good.

Of course, this thing is important... for me. Whether I pass will not affect her life. I'm not doing this shit for her.

Now, what to do after this failed year?

Trying it again? Fuck no. I don't want to go through all their bullshit again.

Going to a IT/etc school? Nope. They all make you learn economics and other enterprisey bullshit.

Trying school 42? As much as the idea behind it is interesting, it hasn't been proven yet and the possibilities it gives are still limited. Besides, those guys are coding all day long, I'm not sure I could handle that rhythm (although I can be pretty damn efficient if motivation is here). Atleast that would be coding and only that and no bullshit.

Or maybe I should just look outside of computers. I've always liked computers and programming, but it's mostly a hobby. Enterprisey coding is unappealing to me. I'm not calling it crap, it has pretty good reasons to be the way it is, it's just that it doesn't attract me. I don't really imagine myself doing that for my whole life.

I said earlier in this post that I help with renovation work when possible, I could work into similar things. Electrician, plumber, woodworker or whatever... It would be a major orientation change, but those jobs attract me more than computer related crap. Atleast I would be active and not staring at a computer screen all day long...

I have yet to decide something.

And of course, there's still the issue of mom's upcoming pressure. Constant reminders of the job seeking mission, every conversation being steered towards that topic, at worst active supervision... I'll probably leave their home if it becomes unbearable.

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Kuribo64 - melonDS

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